


Discovering Brian - A Minute-by-Minute Discussion (Season One)

by Frayach



Series: Discovering Brian - A Minute-by-Minute Exploration [1]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Discussion, M/M, Meta, Scene Interpretation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-04
Updated: 2014-10-22
Packaged: 2018-02-07 09:19:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 31,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1893681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frayach/pseuds/Frayach
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This isn't a story; it's an invitation to a discussion.  I can't get enough of talking about Brian Kinney, and I can't get enough of watching the show.  This is my excuse to do both.  Please, please, please join in - agree, disagree, tell me what you think Brian had for lunch - everything goes.</p><p>This will go on for forever and hopefully trigger some story ideas (and ideas for my WIPs).  No observation, thought or theory is too trivial or weird.  Bring 'em on!"</p><p>Discovering Brian" is a series with each season as a separate work/chapter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sucking Off the Gym Teacher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Predictably I'm starting at the very beginning with Season One's pilot episode - at the 18th-ish minute to be precise. If you think I've missed something prior to that, please let me know!

One has only to watch up to the 18th minute of the pilot episode to get the first clear glimpse of who Brian Kinney really is. After Brian finds out that Justin is only seventeen, he tells Justin about his first time with a man. He was fourteen when he saw his gym teacher taking a shower. Incredulous of his barely-pubescent bravery, he tells Justin that he walked into the shower fully dressed, got down on his knees and gave the man a blow job. Justin is amazed and asks - like the virgin he is - if Brian had been scared. Brian looks at him and says "I guess we're all a little scared our first time." His voice and his expression make it clear that he's telling Justin that he knows how Justin is feeling . . . but then he gets up from the bed. Justin watches him with an open, trusting look. Brian notices and the next instant his eyes turn cold, and his voice is just as cold when he says "but I don't remember anymore." He turns away, and Justin's expression goes from trusting to confused.

In many ways, this short scene tells us all we need to know about Brian in just over a minute. His instinct is to try to connect with Justin, but as soon as he sees that he's succeeded, he turns cold and distant. Brian in a nutshell. Empathy and engagement are his initial, deepest instinct. But they scare him - and the connection to another person they create scares him. His response is to withdraw and snatch back whatever affection he'd bestowed. It's why he seems to those around him to be mean - sometimes even cruel. He gives and then takes away - not just with Justin but with everyone (except the possible exceptions of Debbie and Lindsay). He opens up a tiny bit and then slams shut again. It's obvious that trying to connect with people has been a source of pain in the past, and his reaction has been to sever the connection as quickly and thoroughly as possible.

Brian is a difficult man to be close with. He can be truly, objectively awful. We see that within the first five minutes of the show when he tells Michael that "anyone would look good to him," implying that Michael is desperate - and thus pathetic. And (much worse) he angrily chastises Justin for coming when Brian had told him not to. He even throws Justin's shirt at him and tells him to leave with no explanation nor even an attempt to be nice.

. . . then, unexpectedly, he opens up for a moment, empathizing with Justin's anxiety and giving him one of those rare understanding looks he occasionally reveals. But then he turns cold, nullifying any kindness he's bestowed. He's someone who goes to extremes to protect himself from attachments - no matter how small and fleeting. Attachments scare him, and his yearning for them scares him even more. His response is to withdraw into the shell he's created and then - to drive the nail in the coffin - he turns, if not outright mean then cold. Distant and disinterested. Unwelcoming, uncaring and unfeeling.

To be continued . . . .


	2. The Rooftop Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, pilot episode at minute 21:45. Brian and Michael are standing on the roof of the hospital where Gus was born.

This is a weird scene because it comes straight from the U.K. version. Stuart Allen Jones is more flamboyant and dramatic than Brian Kinney, so this scene, for me, is on the edge of being OoC. But it works when put in context of Brian's overall character. Most importantly, it's the first time we see how fearful Brian is of aging - and the resulting death-wish. We also see Brian's loneliness (or, perhaps less dramatically, his preference for being alone), which remains a theme in the show up to the very last scene in the finale.

The scene begins with Brian standing on the roof of the hospital alone, smoking a cigarette and gazing out over the city. You can tell he's been alone for a while because Michael has had to come looking for him. Michael starts out with a glib comment about Justin's age, but Brian's clearly not in a mood for kidding. So Michael turns more serious and tells Brian that having a baby is exciting. Brian responds:

"What? Having some wrinkled, little time-clock ticking away? Reminding you that you're getting older by the minute? By the second?"

Michael makes another glib comment, but still Brian remains serious. After Michael tells him he's "stuck with a kid for life," Brian looks away from the city's skyline and down to the street far below. "There is always one solution," he says shakily. As Michael watches, confused, Brian jumps up onto the ledge and stands straight - defiant. "I could end it all right now," he says, looking steadily at the horizon. Michael tells him to get down, but Brian says Michael has to come get him first. Michael tells him to "stop clowning." Come get me or I'll jump, Brian shouts out at the city. Is he talking to Michael or is he talking to the world at large? Will someone out there save him from himself?

After a moment, he looks down at Michael with a desperate expression and reaches out his hand. Michael takes it reluctantly, and Brian pulls him up onto the ledge, clearly scaring the shit out of Michael. Brian tells Michael he's Superman and will take him to see the world, whereupon, Michael makes another glib comment, and, at last, Brian smiles. The serious mood is broken. It's the first glimpse we get into Brian and Michael's relationship - Michael has the ability to distract Brian from his dark thoughts and bring him back down from the ledge (in this case, literally). Michael grounds Brian. He keeps Brian from doing crazy things. He keeps Brian safe, and it's obvious that Brian needs that - for someone to keep him safe, to protect him from himself.

[As a quick aside: I think the show starts, not only with the arrival of Justin in Brian's life, but the gradual departure of Michael. At the end of the day, Michael is a childhood friend whose "usefulness" in Brian's life slowly diminishes. I don't know if that's intentional or whether it was a result of realizing that Hal Sparks isn't a strong actor. I kind of think it wasn't intentional because if CowLip was trying to mirror the U.K. version, Michael's role in Brian's life would have increased not lessened because that's how it is with Stuart and Vince (the U.K.'s version of Michael). Also, no one could've predicted the power of the chemistry between Justin and Brian and how completely viewers fell in love with them. Michael had to recede from Brian's life to maintain the focus on Brian and Justin's relationship.]

The fear of aging theme shows up over and over throughout the show, and it seems to be the foundational reason for Justin's leaving Brian in Season Five. Brian is terrified of growing old and ugly and (in his opinion) irrelevant. He wants to remain young and beautiful (and powerful) forever, but he knows he can't, and the knowledge haunts and torments him. Sadly, I don't think that we see that change in any meaningful way before the end of the show. In fact, the scene in which Brian is dancing alone on the platform at Babylon seems to symbolize his clinging, desperate grasp on a fading youth. (Which is really fucking sad, thank you very much, CowLip.)

Suicide is another recurring theme, either overtly or symbolically. Arguably, Brian "commits suicide" every time he pushes his friends away - especially Justin. Sometimes the resulting "death" is sacrificial like when he (tries to) ruin his and Michael's friendship for Debbie's sake and when he breaks off his engagement to Justin because he thinks Justin will be better off without him. Other times it's a straight-up death wish. He overtly considers suicide when he discovers he has cancer. One could even say that his drinking and drugging and promiscuous fucking is also a kind of flirtation with death. Brian seems to need the darkness to see the light, and he seems to need the inevitability of death to enjoy life.

[Just a quick aside about the following scene between Brian and Lindsay. I don't think it says as much about Brian personally as it does about his relationship with Lindsay, which is obviously comfortable and affectionate. It's also made clear (at least in my opinion) that Lindsay is in love with Brian and very attracted to him. Brian must know that, which makes his intimate kiss kind of surprising. After all, he must see how Lindsay feels about him. Is he just giving her what she obviously wants? Is he "marking his territory" to remind himself (and Lindsay) that even though Lindsay has a girlfriend, her true love is for him? Or is part of him sexually attracted to Lindsay in return? I don't know. Do you guys have any ideas?]


	3. Breeders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, part two of the pilot episode.

Part Three: Breeders

The pilot episode provides a pretty comprehensive snapshot of pre-Justin Brian - from his cruelty to his caring and pretty much everything in-between. One of the many important things we learn is that Brian fears and despises heterosexuals and heterosexual norms. For him there are no nuances or middle-grounds. As he tells Michael when Michael's at a bar with Tracy and her friends, heterosexuals either hate gays to their faces or behind their backs, and given the chance, they'd tie every gay man to a fence like Matthew Shepard and beat his brains in. His expression is full of hatred when he says it.

Pretty hardcore stuff!

Brian has no respect for heterosexual values and institutions - especially marriage and romance. This is illustrated in the scene in which he's giving a sales presentation and perceives that one of the men from the company Brian's courting is attracted to him. After the presentation, he makes it clear to Cynthia that he's going to proposition the guy in the men's room. Cynthia tells him that the guy is married and has two children. Brian doesn't give a shit. "Ah, a family man," he replies derisively. Whereas someone else might change his mind, Brian sees the fact the guy's married as making his seduction even more challenging and fun. The fact the guy is married and has a family doesn't cause Brian to blink an eye; he has no respect for marriage and families. He'd been part of a family, and it'd been a farce. The only thing worse in Brian's mind than heterosexuals pretending to be happily married is a gay man pretending he's happy in a breeder institution. Brian goes ahead and fucks the guy anyway even though he obviously dislikes him. 

The theme resurfaces at the end of the pilot episode when Justin comes to the loft. Brian cruelly tells him to leave, and Justin does, but then Brian's trick (my beloved George Goodfuck) tells Brian he should go after Justin to make sure he's okay. Brian doesn't want to, but he relents when G.G. presses his point. Outside, Justin is leaning against a lamp post obviously devastated by the way Brian had treated him. When he hears Brian come out of his building, Justin starts walking quickly to his car. Brian stops him and tells him that he was nothing more than a one-night-stand and that if he wanted more, he should find himself "a pretty little girl and get married." Justin replies that that's not what he wants - he wants Brian. In the end, Justin breaks into tears and gets in his car. Watching him drive away, Brian's expression turns from cold and inaccessible to something like sad and regretful. But then he turns and goes back into his building and back to the way of life that he's chosen for himself. (All the same, it's the first time we see that Brian has feelings for Justin - imo, it's the moment when he starts falling in love.) 

Back to breeders: like Brian's fear of growing old, his distrust and dislike of heterosexuals extends through the entire five seasons of the show in one form or another. It's not just an aversion, it's a kind of pathological terror. He looks down on the concept of marriage and families and romance in general which he views as totally inapplicable to gay life. Love, itself, is nothing but a fake heterosexual construct. He tells Justin that love is something heterosexuals use so they can get laid, but it results in nothing but hurt and hassle. Nameless, faceless one-night-stands are the only true forms of sexual interaction. Everything else is a lie.

The writers clearly see Brian as being alone in his fear and hatred of heterosexuals. The other gay characters prefer to hang-out with their homosexual friends, but that choice doesn't come from the same dark place that Brian's comes from. Later in the show, Brian's rejection and over-reaction to all things he views as heterosexual becomes a serious problem in his relationship with Justin. Justin didn't grow up in a dysfunctional family (it eventually becomes dysfunctional, but you get the impression it was entirely normal before he came out). Love isn't a bad word. It's what he wants and strives for. Meanwhile, Brian loathes and belittles the whole idea of love and all the trappings that go with it. They are alien to his life as a gay man, and he rejects them over and over. His feelings are so entrenched that he's willing to lose Justin rather than revisit his prejudice. It's actually quite tragic and mostly the result of his upbringing and the knowledge that his parents had a "hateful marriage." He wants to avoid falling into the same situation, but his views are so rigid and his dislike is so extreme, that he throws the baby out with the bathwater.


	4. You Are Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, Episode Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm LOVING the discussions we have going, but I hope others will join in too. There's enough room in the hot tub for all of us!

Episode three's take-home message for me is that Brian will go to great lengths to get what he wants and, in addition, to protect those he loves. At the beginning of the episode, he demands that Gus not be circumcised, and then that night, he claims Justin as his own despite other men's interest in him. In both cases, his will conquers others'.

I absolutely love the scene in which Brian interrupts Gus's bris. Part of it is personal (I really don't like the practice of genital mutilation) but it's also about Brian fighting for his son - or at least what he believes is best for his son. It's ironic because Brian himself is circumcised and he prefers "cut" cocks, but when it comes to his son, it's not the actual fact of circumcision that upsets Brian - it's the idea that Gus is perceived as already imperfect two weeks after his birth. That he needs to be mutilated to fit in with society's norms. Brian is very passionate about his feelings, and I see behind them (at least in part) a belief that he, himself, had been mutilated as a child. Not necessarily literally but figuratively. He is gay. He was born gay. He was already perfect. He was already who he was meant to be. If his parents (and society) could've forced him to be otherwise, they would have, no matter the harm they would've caused. Even if Gus will be straight (which I think Brian accepts even though he grumbles about it), Brian doesn't want Gus to be altered - not for Gus's own sake, but for a tradition. Religious or otherwise. It's also possible that Brian is even more angry than he might've been because the circumcision is Mel's idea. Brian does not want to cede his role in his son's life to Mel - especially to Mel's religion. And you know what? I don't blame him. There's no indication in the show that Mel takes her religion seriously, but yet she's willing to mutilate Brian's son in the name of religion. No wonder he freaks out!

[Okay, yes, I'm not being neutral as I said I'd be in my posts, but being an atheist and strongly against genital "modification," I can't be entire neutral. I apologize. I don't mean to offend anyone on a personal level; I just have strong feelings about this issue.]

The second example of Brian "saving" someone he loves is at the end of the episode when he takes Justin away from two men who were trying to seduce him. Yes, Justin had stolen Brian's tricks, but I think Brian's actions in response are very telling. He could've taken his tricks back, but instead he takes Justin from them. Yes, Brian obviously wanted Justin for himself, but it also seems like Brian is "saving" Justin. He knows what his two former tricks have in mind, and he'll be damned if they succeed. Brian knows how young and inexperienced Justin is; he doesn't want Justin to become part of a situation he's not ready for. Yes, he's jealous - both of and for Justin. But more than that, he wants to protect Justin. He knows he won't do anything that Justin doesn't want or isn't ready for, but he can't know that the other guys won't. Brian has a difficult time taking responsibility for the consequences of seducing Justin, but that scene is an example of when he does.


	5. Pulling the Plug

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, most of episode four.

Ready? This is one of my top five favorite scenes in the whole show. It's between Brian and Ted. I know it's not common in the QaF fandom, but Ted is my second favorite character after Brian. He's a "truth-talker" in the tradition of Shakespeare's greatest characters - the ones who can cut to the chase and tell it like it is. Even before his addiction crisis, Ted is one of the wisest characters in the show (behind Emmett, of course, but that's what makes them so close). Ted is as smart as Brian is, and eventually Brian acknowledges that and embraces him, but in the meantime . . .

One of the things that makes Season one, episode four so crucial is the way it deviates so drastically from the U.K. version. In the U.K. version, the character on whom Ted is based dies. For me, when Ted survives, that's the moment I thought, "Okay, the U.S. version of Queer as Folk is patently, objectively better than the U.K. version." The U.K. kills off "Ted" within the first two episodes! The first four episodes of the U.S. version brings him back to life (a theme that reoccurs over the whole course of the show until Ted is strong enough to save others - including Brian).

Anyway, back to one of my favorite Brian scenes. Here's the setting: Ted is in a coma. He's executed a living will that names Brian as the person who should decide whether to pull the plug in the event that Ted is unable to make medical decisions for himself. Brian had no idea that Ted has given him this momentous role and is completely freaked-out. Melanie has power of attorney for Ted, which means she's the one who tells him that the decision to end Ted's life is up to him. Brian is obviously upset and confused and angry and scared. How could he have expected he'd be asked to play God's role in the life of a man he'd routinely treated with disrespect - and even alleged to dislike (although, like Michael and Emmett, we know Brian full of shit)? First, Brian tries to get out of the role by confronting Melanie. That doesn't work - in fact it results in a pretty viscous attack on his character. Then he tries the time-honored route of sexual oblivion, but that doesn't work either. Finally, Brian goes to Ted's bedside where he tells the man some pretty revealing things (more about himself than Ted, whom he doesn't know beyond a superficial level). Then while he's fucking a nurse, Ted wakes up.

Later (and this is the scene I love so much), the boys bring Ted home with bags full of food and flowers (and maybe even his 33 dildos). Ted is in his bedroom alone when Brian pokes his head through the door and asks whether Ted plans to eat the food they'd bought him. Ted tells Brian that he heard Brian fucking the nurse when he woke up and thought he was in hell. Predictably, Brian returns a glib reply, but then he sits down on the bed and asks Ted why Ted had chosen him, of all people, to decide whether to remove him from life support. Ted answers: "Because you're a heartless shit. You could the pull plug, and you wouldn't cry . . . and you would know when it's time to go." He puts his hand on Brian's shoulder and then leaves the room.

The look on Brian's face is so forlorn - even shocked in a way (again thank you, Gale). He realizes that his mask of cold indifference and occasional cruelty actually "works." Ted doesn't see past it - he _can't_ because he's never seen any other side of Brian, and Brian has never revealed one. Ted truly does believe that Brian is a "heartless shit" who could end a life - even the life of someone he sees more or less everyday - without shedding a tear. Brian's expression reveals that he's anything but a heartless shit, and that Ted's words cut him to the quick. But there's also an odd compliment in Ted's words. In addition to saying that Brian is a fucking jerk, he also acknowledges that Brian has a kind of ruthless courage to do what needs to be done - and the insight to know when to act. Does Brian really believe that? I'm not sure. His most telling remark about his role was to Lindsay when she'd told him "he'd do the right thing - whatever it is," and he replies "you don't know that." Because he doesn't. He's not as sure as people think he is. He knows himself, he knows he _is_ capable of making mistakes, and he's terrified. It makes me think of that moment in Season Three when Brian and Stockwell are lounging around in Stockwell's hot tub. Stockwell admits he's worried that he might not be a good mayor. He then says that Brian has probably always been a "golden boy" who's always confident that he'll do things right, that he's capable of succeeding at any task put before him. Brian responds that, actually, he isn't always sure he can do something and do it well. Was he thinking of Ted somewhere in the back of his mind?

Thank God, Brian never had to decide whether and when to end Ted's life. I say "thank God" because if Brian had pulled the plug, it would've tortured him for the rest of his life. He would never get to a place of peace with his decision. He'd never be able to allow himself to find that peace. Brian is a "heartless shit" because he's scared to death of his "weaknesses." Ted eventually gets that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long gap between posts - it was my birthday "week" which is always much better than just a birthday "day" :)


	6. Have You Eaten?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, episode five.

I'm not going to discuss the obviously important scene from episode five (Brian's encounter - or lack-thereof - with Marvin Telson) because it's so obvious. Brian is disgusted with himself for being willing to trade sex for an account - and even more disgusted by Marvin who he perceives as a coward for not having come out (although, of course, the irony is that Brian hasn't either where his parents were concerned). In fact, the whole episode is basically about being deceptive (or less than fully honest) about one's homosexuality.

Instead I'm going to talk about Brian and Lindsay and another big not-so-secret secret. Lindsay is in love with Brian. Period. There it is. I don't think the writers even bothered to complicate it. Lindsay is in love with Brian and has been since they were twenty-something. And I'm even going to go one step further to say that Lindsay is not a lesbian. She's bisexual. It's a real shame that the show didn't explore her bisexuality in-depth. It would've been a fascinating (probably even controversial) story arc. CowLip really dropped the ball there.

The episode starts out with Lindsay stopping by the loft with Gus and waking Brian while he's sleeping beside the beefiest man who ever lived - his thighs are as big as tree trunks! (Btw, an interesting aside: whereas Brian turned toward Justin when his alarm woke him up after their first night together, Brian turns away from his trick when the knock on the door awakens him.) She's there to tell Brian that he and Mel need to sort out their differences for Gus's sake (and presumably for Lindsay's too although she doesn't say that explicitly . . .) Anyway, Lindsay says everyone needs to get along, and Brian replies: "[Mel]'s just jealous because she thinks you love me more than you do her. And she's right." *snap* I can't describe it well enough, so pull out your DvDs and check out Lindsay's face! It's true; she does does love Brian more. No doubt about it. Lindsay replies (as if it changes anything) that they have a child now, and Brian says, "yeah, you and me." *snap again*

The exchange would be merely affectionately humorous except for what comes next. Lindsay invites Brian to a fancy, home-cooked dinner at her and Mel's house in an effort to . . . I don't know, exactly . . . make Brian and Mel be civil to each other? Anyway, Brian doesn't show up, and Mel chastises Lindsay for always pinning her hopes on him and then always being crushed when he doesn't follow through. Later (who knows when?) Brian turns up on Lindsay's porch and knocks on the door.

"The kitchen's closed," she says through the curtain and then pulls it closed before he can reply. Brian had hurt her. Deeply.

He knocks again, more deliberately this time. Lindsay had been walking toward the stairs, but she stops and bites her lip. She turns and walks back to the door.

"Were you sleeping?" Brian asks when she opens it, looking (coincidentally?) as sexy as all hell.

"We have a newborn here," she replies. "We never sleep."

Brian says he's sorry (and I think he is even though he seems to say it grudgingly).

"Don't apologize," she says. "It doesn't become you."

Uhm . . . . . . Not quite sure what to make of that remark. But it's definitely Lindsay to the core. Brian is (and must always be) her Bad Boy.

"And don't think you can flash that smile and get away with it," she says while she opens the door (because she can't _not_ stay mad at him). "You might've been able to get away with it at 20 but at 30 it's starting to get pathetic." (LOL!)

Brian just smiles boyishly. "Twenty-nine," he corrects her, and she rolls her eyes fondly.

Then she gets serious. "Have you eaten?" she asks with obvious concern, and he replies "no."

"C'mon," Lindsay says and they walk to the kitchen. Brian's expression makes it clear that situations like this have happened before, and - if he gets his way - will happen again. Lindsay is _his_ , not Mel's, and he's going to make sure it stays that way. Why? Because she loves him and he loves her, and at this point in the show, they are the loves of each others' lives . . .

. . . but, as we know, that changes. Gradually, Justin begins to take Michael's place, and then Lindsay's place (to the extent she allows that to happen). Like his relationship with Michael, Brian's relationship with Lindsay is on the cusp of momentous change . . . for good or bad. The only thing I truly believe is that Lindsay loves Brian and Brian loves (and needs) her in return. It's a powerful and dangerous dance with momentous consequences.

Btw, I have ambivalent feelings about Lindsay (as I do about Mel), but I do feel for her. She met Brian years ago and obviously fell in love with him. But he's gay. She could never have him. So she did the next best thing to marrying him; she had his child. If I was in her place, I'd be deeply conflicted as well. She wants the best for him because she loves him, but at the same time, the necessity of letting him go breaks her heart. I get it. Would any of us be any different if we were in Lindsay's shoes and were madly in love with Brian Kinney? Unlike Michael's crush, Lindsay's love is mature and bone-deep. She struggles through the whole show just trying to find a balance between what she wants and what Brian needs. It breaks my heart. Especially in the end, when she can't help herself and wrecks everything for him . . . and then leaves and takes his son with her.

P.S. Interestingly, the instant before the scene when Brian shows up at Lindsay's house is a scene of Michael heading to Babylon's backroom telling Ted and Emmett he's going to go find "someone who wants me." The scene changes instantly to Brian, his hand raised to knock on Lindsay's door . . . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me, you guys, for not having replied to comments to the previous post. I will remedy the omission manana :) In the meantime, if you're so inclined, Gale has finally set up an official FB account that you might want to join: Gale Morgan Harold III. I love Gale madly, passionately and totally separately from Brian, who is so complete as a character - and Gale is such a good actor - that I can see no Gale Harold in Brian Kinney. It's amazing, really. How many other actors could we say that about? (Certainly not Tom Cruise . . . . don't get me started). Gale is not Brian, and Brian is not Gale, and I love Gale for that - it's an amazing gift to us, the fans of both of them.


	7. He's Only Seventeen!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, episodes six and seven.

Season One, episode six is full of great stuff, but I'll wait to discuss the bat-shit dynamics between Brian, Michael and David in another post. In this one I want to grab the huge pink elephant in the room by the balls:

What the fuck is a man who's almost thirty doing with a seventeen year-old schoolboy? And why isn't at least one episode focused solely on that question?

There's a teeny-tiny hint of such a discussion when Jennifer comes to the Gay & Lesbian Center to see Justin's artwork. Justin has drawn a picture of Brian sleeping naked - _very_ naked. Jennifer sees it and then looks at the man standing with her son and then back to the drawing and then back to the man. She knows the man is the man in the picture, and she knows the man is having sex with her young son. Unsurprisingly, she freaks out and leaves. Later, we see her sitting in a bar (Woody's? How awkward, but anyway) with Deb. She asks about "this man" who must be in his thirties, and Deb tells her about Brian. And, even more disturbingly, how fucked-up he is (as though that's supposed to make Jennifer feel better about the situation). Then Deb tells Jennifer there's nothing she can do about it even though Justin is still so young. She asks Jennifer how old she was when she first started having sex, and Jennifer replied that she was sixteen. Deb points at herself and says "fifteen." They look at each other with expressions that say "teenagers will be teenagers," but what is the chance that Deb and Jennifer lost their virginities to men more than 12 years old than them? The point Jennifer tried to make about the age difference is swept under the rug. Whether Justin is having homosexual "experiences" isn't the big issue - it's with _whom_ he's having those experiences. A sexually-experienced man who clearly has no compunction about fucking a boy - and continuing to fuck him.

In the next episode, the age-disparity issue is raised again when Justin's father refers to Brian as a pedophile, but we, the viewers, have already decided Craig is a homophobic asshole so it's easy to find his remark hyperbolic and offensive. But is it? Under the law governing consensual sex, Brian is a sexual predator who should be arrested, convicted, imprisoned and forced to register as a sex offender. If Craig had decided to call the police, Brian would be in deep shit. The law (rightly or wrongly) considers Justin a child who is unable to consent to sexual activity. Brian isn't stupid. He knows this.

After the confrontation between Justin and his dad, the issue of Brian's age basically goes away except when it's used to explain problems in Brian and Justin's relationship. In the Second Season, Jennifer more or less gives Justin to Brian on a silver plate. The implication (which Brian picks up on) is that Jennifer is asking Brian to have sex with Justin. Weird. And hard to believe.

To put the whole thing in perspective, imagine a show centered around a relationship between a seventeen year-old high school girl and a professional adult man. Then imagine that relationship being romanticized. I can't. Viewers of the show would feel, at the very least, queasy about the situation, and there would be no way the issue could be swept under the carpet - and even condoned - like it is in QaF. We'd think the man was a pervert, and be even more pissed with him than we are with Brian when the man treats the girl he'd seduced coldly and even cruelly. ("You're not my boyfriend; you're not my lover; you're not even my friend.") Imagine that same exchange between a girl and a man. The show would have to make the man _bleed_ for his actions. He'd be punished by the storyline and reviled. Characters would try to intervene to save the girl. The man would be vilified. If the relationship is even permitted to continue, it'll always be seen as somewhat deviant _solely_ because of the age discrepancy.

Nothing like that happens in QaF.

At my suggestion, a close friend of mine started watching the show. She only made it to the middle of the Third Season when Brian and Justin got back together. She was so disgusted with the writers for allowing the relationship to continue - and romanticizing it - that she stopped watching and sold the DVD set on eBay. With the money she got, she took me out for drinks and spent an hour raging at the show. In her opinion, Brian and Justin's relationship is a huge problem, and she felt the show should have addressed the age issue. She thought the writers were glorifying the dynamic of the boy/man fixation in gay culture. She thought the whole thing bordered on irresponsibility; that Brian shouldn't have been portrayed so sympathetically. She even got pissed at me for not being pissed and trying (lamely) to justify CowLip. I felt kind of embarrassed because I found I really couldn't. Nonetheless, I continued being a mad fan of Brian and a cheerleader for his relationship with Justin. Why? And why the double-standard?

I really wish the age issue had been front and center at the beginning of the show; instead the writers tip-toed around it, trying to make it "okay" with a two-minute conversation between Jennifer and Deb, which ultimately didn't address the issue at all. I don't think the age-issue damns Brian and Justin's relationship, but it shouldn't have been white-washed like it was.


	8. He's Only Seventeen! . . . Continued . . .

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, multiple episodes.

Just a not-so-short addendum to last night's post. Because I'm focusing on the show chronologically, episode by episode, I totally forgot a few other scenes that touch (albeit briefly) on the age difference between Brian and Justin.

The very first instance happens within a minute of meeting Justin. Here he is, a teenager venturing into the world of Liberty Avenue obviously for the first time. He approaches a man (who he clearly sees as an adult, and he's used to approaching adults with questions) to ask where he should go, and the guy tells him about the various clubs. Then he looks at Justin more closely. "Kinda of young, aren't you? Why don't you come home with me?" he says. He places his hand on Justin's neck, and Justin recoils with disgust. He obviously thinks the man is unattractive . . . and old. Someone who's old enough to be a parent - or a gym teacher. When Justin rejects the man's advance, he tells Justin to go back to his mommy. For Justin (and us), the situation feels creepy and wrong, but only minutes later Justin goes home with a man who's probably only a couple of years younger.

The next instance occurs when Michael tries to bring Justin home to his parents after the visit to the hospital to see Gus. Brian responds by saying that Justin was coming with him. Michael response is "oh, no he's not!" Since we already know that Michael doesn't (seem to) care about Brian's usual tricks, it's Justin's age that makes him uncomfortable - and worried for Brian because of the possible repercussions of having sex with a teenager.

Later, in episode three, when Justin comes to the loft and sees George Goodfuck, G.G. says he doesn't mind a threesome but Justin is a little young. In other words, he won't touch the situation with a ten-foot pole. Later, when Brian sends Justin away, G.G. chastises him for letting a kid "so young" leave without knowing where he's going "at this time of night."

Shortly thereafter, when Justin runs away from home and ends up staying at the loft, Jennifer barges into Brian's office and throws a duffel bag on his desk full of Justin's clothes. She then gives Brian a check, and when Brian asks what it's for, she tells him it's for clothes because Justin grows out of them quickly (!!) as well as school supplies. Brian just goggles at her. Lastly, she tells him to make sure Justin takes his allergy medication, does his homework and gets to school on time. The age difference is stark, and Jennifer throws it in Brian's face (after which Brian goes back to the loft and yells at Justin and says Justin is only at the loft because of a confluence of unfortunate events. Hello, Brian! The triggering event is that you fucked a teenager!)

Finally - and most tellingly - is the Kip situation. Kip is a new employee at Brian's firm, and Brian has sex with him. Kip is pissed when he realizes the sex (and their shared homosexuality) would not result in favorable treatment so he sues Brian for sexual harassment. Justin's response? He pursues Kip and eventually succeeds in convincing Kip to take him home. When Justin is naked and Kip is just about to blow him, Justin starts talking about how the "other guy" he'd recently had sex with ended up getting arrested when his father found out about the relationship and called the police. Kip is alarmed - as any guy should be - when he realizes Justin is only seventeen. Then Justin uses the threat of possible prosecution as leverage to get Kip to drop the suit against Brian . . .

Basically, I'm saying that people other than Brian (even Justin himself) know that Brian is too old to be having sex with Justin. The issue is raised but never really elaborated on. My thinking is that it couldn't be if the story was to proceed as CowLip wanted it to. QaF isn't about Brian being in jail. It's about an unlikely but sympathetic love affair. Still, I wish there had been more exploration of the age disparity. Brian never seems to "get it," and everyone just more or less gives him a pass. I'm not saying that makes Brian a bad person or his relationship with Justin fundamentally fucked up; it would just make the whole situation more believable - and perhaps even more interesting.

(That said, one could argue that Brian's effort to reunite Justin with his parents and later to find Justin a place to live, because obviously Justin is too young to live alone, is a recognition of his role in Justin's problems and an attempt to make things better - after, of course, he fucks Justin into the mattress in Justin's hotel room that Justin was only in because Brian had kicked him out with not place to go.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't begin to tell you how happy I am with how this little experiment of mine is going. Thank you so much to all who have commented - and all who are lurking too. The discussions are great, and I'm learning a lot reading everyone's different perspectives. My thoughts aren't even close to being written in stone and I'm constantly revising them! If the discussion gets heated at times, just remember we're all coming from the same place, namely love for the show in general and Brian in particular. We're all sisters and brothers here, so if you feel an edge in anyone's comments, it's not personal - just good, passionate, healthy debate. I want everyone to have a good time, and I want everyone to feel comfortable participating. As Gale says on his Twitter profile, "Still learning . . ."
> 
> Love you guys :)


	9. "That's Debatable"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, episode 7

Alright, here we go. I can't put it off any longer. The Brian and Mikey Show, take one. First, let me get something off my chest. I don't like Hal Sparks' Michael. At all. But I love Michael, the character. I watched the U.K. version first and fell in love with the U.K. version's counterpart of Michael. His name is Vince, and he's awesome. He's smarter and funnier than Hal Sparks' Michael, and he's Stuart's equal, which Hal Sparks' Michael will never be with Brian. Basically, Vince is a person in his own right. Yes, he's in love with his childhood friend, but there's more to him than that. And Craig Kelly is a good actor. Hal Sparks is not. For me, the greatest tragedy of the entire show isn't the ending, it's the casting of Hal Sparks as Michael Novotny. I can hardly bear to watch him, and that sucks because Michael is a very important character, and any discussion of Brian isn't complete if we don't talk about Michael. So there you go. I like Michael the character, but dislike Hal Sparks' portrayal. (And I'm very bitter about that fact - insert grumpy face.)

Okay, so I've gotten that out of the way, and I will (try very hard to) not mention Hal Sparks again. I'm going to pretend that a competent, less infuriating actor played the role of Michael Novotny and talk about the character and not the crappy portrayal. 

It's episode seven. The pissing contest between Brian and Dr. David is heating up. (Another thing: I only dislike two characters in QaF - Dr. David and Loretta Pye, but I dislike Dr. David, not because Chris Potter is a bad actor, but because I just dislike Dr. David as a character. Loretta Pye I hate because Rosie O'Donnell makes Hal Sparks look like Oscar quality - she came close to making the show jump the shark.)

Brian, I think, truly dislikes Dr. David, not only as competition for Michael's adoration but as a person. Dr. David is not Brian's kind of guy. He's eschewed the clubs and bars. Bought a house in the burbs. Owns a place in the country, and buys flowers and plans dates. The only thing that they could possibly respect about each other is that they're both professionals. But that makes Brian feel even more insecure - his Mikey thinks Dr. David is as successful as Brian. For Brian, there's no room for any sort of equivalency (I love the way this is illustrated by Brian's insistence on derisively calling David "Doc"). He must not only be the hottest guy in Mikey's life, he must also be the smartest and most successful. Dr. David is a threat. I love the end of episode seven when Brian and Dr. David are frozen, staring defiantly at each other, in the midst of Babylon's busy dance floor. This isn't a tug-of-war; it's a battle. Every time I see that scene, I think of two male elks in the middle of rutting season facing off against each other. One will win. The other will lose.

Michael worships Brian, and Brian needs to be worshiped. If Brian didn't need Michael's adoration so much, he wouldn't try to sabotage Michael and Dr. David's relationship at every opportunity. Mikey is his. There's no room for another alpha male in Michael's life. Brian must be, as David says, all that matters to Michael. "You're his world, his life. Everything he thinks of, everything he dreams of . . . everything he knows." And, like Dr. David says, Brian knows it - and loves it even though Brian will never be what Michael so desperately longs for him to be. Brian will never be his lover. Never ever. No way, Jose. Why? Well, it's easy to think it's because Brian isn't attracted to Michael because Hal Sparks' Michael is so sexually uninspiring, but I don't think that's it - at least as Michael's character was conceived. Brian is deeply insecure. He only fucks strangers he can easily shove out the door. He needs to be able to count on someone to adore and take care of him who is not a sexual partner (because, if he was, then OMG! HE'S A BOYFRIEND!). Michael is the source of maternal affection that Brian never had. He makes sure Brian has enough water to drink when Brian's high on E. He makes sure Brian doesn't have to drive anywhere drunk. He ruins Dr. David's weekend in the woods so he can be near to Brian after Brian's car "accident." Michael takes care of Brian and loves him unconditionally. Michael makes Brian feel safe and loved. Tricks will come and go, but Mikey will always be there. When Brian wants to remind himself of how awesome and gorgeous and powerful he is, all he has to do is pick up the phone or drive over to Michael and Emmett's apartment. Michael may _want_ Brian, but Brian's in an even more desperate place - he _needs_ Michael. If Michael no longer wants him - if Michael no longer drools in awe over him - Brian will be left naked in the frozen wasteland of his fear and insecurity. Michael - figuratively and perhaps literally - keeps Brian functional and even alive. Life without Michael is inconceivable to Brian - and terrifying as hell. And the only reason Brian thinks he can insure that Michael stays with him is that Michael is sexually attracted to him. Once again, Brian thinks his only source of desirability - of worthiness - is his body. Michael _has_ to go on wanting him because if he stops - if he no longer sees Brian as sexually desirable, he'll leave, and Brian will be alone. 

So Dr. David is a threat of epic proportions. Brian doesn't just find him annoying, he finds him terrorizing. Dr. David must not "win." Brian's loose grip on functionality is at stake.

But . . . . . as we know, Brian isn't wholly selfish and incapable of introspection. He knows he's a harmful presence in Michael's life. He knows that he's standing in the way of Michael ever having a committed relationship with another man. He knows he's stringing Michael along. He knows he's sending Michael mixed signals: "You _are_ hot, Mikey. Haven't I always told you that?" he says, but then he tries to seduce Dr. David, telling Dr. David that he and Michael usually meet men together - and the lucky ones go home with him. When Dr. David replies, "debatable," Brian is _pissed_. If Brian had his way, Dr. David would decide he's more desirable than Michael. He'd take Dr. David home and fuck him, and then make sure that Michael found out. It would be killing two birds with one stone: reminding Michael that he's not as desirable _and_ pounding the nail in the coffin of Michael's future with Dr. David. What a quick, easy solution.

It's easy to see Brian as a selfish asshole who is ruining the life of his purported "best friend." This is what everyone seems to think - most importantly Debbie. What no one sees is the desperation behind Brian's reprehensible behavior. When it comes to Michael, Brian is "the wicked witch." And it's arguably true, but things are more complicated than that. Brian truly loves Michael and needs him desperately. The only missing verb is "want." I wonder if Brian would've given his right hand to be able to want Michael as much as Michael wants him. If that were the case, they could be together forever. The Mikey and Brian show - best friends _and_ lovers. But it isn't that way. It'll never be. Brian needs to let Michael go, and he knows it. But he's afraid of the loneliness that would result. The sense of loss and incompleteness. Michael's adoration is a drug. Brian isn't yet strong enough to survive the withdrawal. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last couple of entries got a ton of awesome comments! Thank you, everyone. I'm still in the process of replying to them, but I wanted to post another entry this week because I'm going on vacation starting Saturday. I'll be as off-the-grid as it's possible to be in our day & age - no electricity, no hot water, no plumbing and definitely no internet. It's remotely possible that I might post another part on Friday, but I'd only do that if I was caught up on comments. If I don't post on Friday, I'll try to post on the day I get back which will be August 5th. In the meantime, feel free to let loose on this part. I _know_ you'll want to :)


	10. The Night I Almost Lost My Best Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, episode eight.

Here's the setting. It's Thursday evening, right after work. My friends and I are at our favorite restaurant, polishing off a plate of fried calamari and a couple bottles of wine. It's our QaF discussion night. We're all watching the show together. I'm the only one who's already watched it. For everyone else, this is their first time. We've divided ourselves up between the characters for discussion purposes (we put all their names on scraps of paper, put them in a bowl and covered our eyes while we chose). I have Ted. L has Deb. J1 has Emmett. K has Michael. S has Justin . . . and J2, my best friend, has Brian.

We've all recently watched Season One, episode eight. I give a little talk about Ted's scenes. L talks about Deb's, etc. etc. Finally we get to J2. She's really quiet for a moment, and then she tells us she's going to quit watching the show and coming to our Thursday night discussions. We all just stare at her. She's obviously upset - her cheeks are red and she's practically shaking. I ask her what's going on, and she tells me that after watching episode eight, she _hates_ Brian. She'd never really liked him and thought he was an asshole, but episode eight pushed her over the edge. She'd gone from disliking Brian to downright _loathing_ him.

I was upset for a couple reasons: number one, J2 was my best friend and it'd been our idea to put the group together, and number two, I was madly, hopelessly, passionately, irrationally in love with Brian. I started by trying to convince her not to leave and saying I'd swap Ted for Brian (she, like me, really liked Ted). But nope, she was adamant. For her, Brian's behavior toward Justin was deplorable and she had had it up to _there_ with him. As the wine flowed, my argument with her got more and more heated and emotional. The night ended with her throwing a twenty at me and walking out of the restaurant before the meal she'd ordered was served. We laugh about it now, but it wasn't funny at the time. And she stayed true to her word - she stopped watching the show and stopped going out with us. Sadly, the group slowly disintegrated after that - but I know all the others finished the show and really liked it - L even fell in love with it as much as I had, but her focus was Justin. Like J2, she continued to think Brian was bad for Justin and was happy that Justin left at the end. (P.S. - she's lurking on this discussion and I keep nudging her to join in instead of inundating me with texts all day. C'mon, L! We promise not to jump all over you with our Brian Love. There's room for dissension, and you know I don't sugarcoat Brian's flaws.)

So, here's a somewhat boiled-down account of my argument with J2. She adores Justin and finds his innocence sweet and touching. She was already annoyed that Brian had seduced him and then dumped him with the dreaded "you can see me in your dreams" line. That annoyance only grew over the course of the next few episodes. Like Deb (and eventually Jennifer), J2 felt that Brian should accept responsibility for the hardships Justin endures following his coming out (both at home and at school). She thought Brian was a loser and a coward. Then along came episode eight . . . .

As we all know, Craig stalked Justin to Babylon where he saw Brian and Justin kissing. (Btw, I've always been curious what it is Brian and Justin are saying to each other right before Craig attacks Brian. I think Brian asks Justin if he wants to ride him, and Justin says "please" - "ride" being in the sense of bottoming from the top. Please let me know what you think.) Anyway, Craig attacks Brian and then tells Justin that if he doesn't come home right then, he'd never come home again (btw, I love how Brian reacts to that threat - we so rarely get to see Brian behave with such raw emotion). Justin chooses not to go home - and for all he knows, that's it. He's disowned and homeless and his relationship with his father is in tatters.

Brian then grudgingly "invites" Justin to spend the night at the loft - and then grudgingly lets Justin get in bed with him after he'd insisted Justin sleep on the sofa. The next day, Jennifer comes to Brian's office and dumps Justin's stuff on his desk and thrusts a check for Justin's expenses in his hand. Brian tells her that Justin isn't his responsibility, and Jennifer replies, "Oh, yes he is! You seduced him; you . . . fucked him." Then she storms out with an admonishment that Brian make sure Justin does his homework and gets to school on time.

What does Brian do? He goes home and chews Justin a new one. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, he deliberately brings a trick back to the loft and literally _forces_ Justin to watch them fuck. On his face the whole time is a look of contempt that one wouldn't give their worst enemy, let alone the poor, helpless kid whose life he'd uprooted. Justin is obviously shattered and runs away to spend the night at Lindsay and Mel's house. 

[One has to wonder how that transpired: did Brian just stand there glaring and getting his cock sucked while Justin gathered his things and fled? Where the fuck did Brian think he'd go? And did he even care? Of all the things he'd done, forcing Justin to leave that night was hands-down the most cruel and irresponsible. What happened after Justin left? Did Brian have a fuckathon as though nothing had happened? The implication is that he did.]

Next thing we know, Brian is picking Justin up at school. (If you don't remember this scene clearly, go back and watch so you can hear Brian's vicious tone of voice as though everything that's happened is Justin's fault.) Brian takes Justin back to his parents' house. He's obviously spoken with Jennifer because he, Jennifer and Craig all plunk themselves down to tell Justin what to do. Brian had treated Justin like an adult when he took him home and fucked him (multiple times), but as soon as the consequences became clear, suddenly Brian treats Justin like an obnoxious child who's presence in his life is nothing more than "a series of unfortunate circumstances" that did nothing but give him "the worst headache of [his] life." Poor, poor Brian. He's not the one losing his home and family, he just is annoyed he has to share his space for a couple of nights.

At the last second, Brian regains our love and respect (although not J2's) by standing up to Craig when Craig tells Justin that to come home he must deny who he is. Then he tells Justin to come with him. Meanwhile, Justin and Jennifer exchange pleading looks, and then - clearly reluctantly - Justin leaves. I think that if Craig hadn't opened his big mouth, Justin definitely would've moved back home. Living with Brian was a painful nightmare.

The episode ends with Justin serving the dinner he'd made for Brian the night before on a table set for two with candles. Brian's reluctance to sit down is obvious, but eventually he does.

J2 and I agreed on this summation, but we parted over whether Brian was an irredeemable asshole. I argued that episode eight is actually the first episode in which Brian starts realizing (with reluctance and horror) that he's fallen in love with Justin. As usual, the clues are subtle. When Brian and Justin return to the loft after Brian was attacked, Brian's expressions reveal that he recognizes how Justin feels about him - and recognizes that he's recklessly encouraged those feelings. For example, after Justin tells Brian he looks great (and always looks great) Brian looks away. Justin's remark didn't soothe his ego; it made him acknowledge what he already knew but refused to take responsibility for, namely Justin's desperate adoration. The same thing happens minutes later when Justin said he'd stood up to his father because his father was hurting Brian. Brian looks away - ashamed and afraid. He's as lost as Justin is - maybe even more so.

Needless to say, J2 thought I was full of shit. She basically took Mel's position that Brian is an unrepentant, immature, irresponsible asshole. I disagreed, and it was the last scene that convinced me I was right. Brian is madly in love . . .

. . . after he takes a bite of Justin's jambalaya, he smiles one of his rare genuine, uncomplicated smiles. Then, after he compliments Justin on his cooking and they go back to eating, Brian keeps looking at Justin.

It's the look of a man who has fallen in love - and finally allows himself to feel it. If only for a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this really is my last post before I disappear on my off-the-grid vacation on Saturday. I was going to wait till I got home to post this part, but you guys seemed uninspired by my last post, so I decided to push ahead so as not to lose your interest. I'll post again when I get back. Meanwhile imagine me in my favorite place in the whole world surrounded by the sound of wind in the trees and the pile of books I've been meaning to read since forever :)


	11. Sonny-Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, episode 9

This is another one of my favorite episodes. In fact, I'm pretty much convinced that if my friend from the last post had watched just one more episode, she might've started liking Brian (well, at least for a little while until he kicks Justin out again).

There is so much (crazy) stuff going on in Episode Nine! It's hard to know where to start. Obviously, it's about parents and children - particularly fathers and sons. But there are a lot of other, more complicated parent/child-like relationships swirling around: Michael is taught basic table manners (about f'ing time!); Emmett is instructed on being a bad-ass top, and weirdest of all, Justin is told to be a good boy and do his homework - by the man who's fucking him.

All but Emmett's situation involve Brian in one role or another. His first scene takes place at Woody's where he's hanging out with the boys playing pool. Justin appears with a beer in his hand, and Brian asks him what he's doing there. Justin is supposed to be back at the loft studying for his SATs. When Brian tells him to leave, Justin says "No" in the same tone a bratty teenager would use with his dad. Michael comments on the parental overtones: "What is this?" he asks. "Adopt-a-trick?"

Segue to the heart-breaking scene at Linz and Mel's house when they ask Brian to sign over his parental rights to Gus. Brian is holding his son as Linz and Mel make their request, and his eyes never leave the sleeping baby's face. Watch closely and you can see his jaw clenching. This is OVERWHELMING EMOTIONS Brian-style. He's obviously torn, but there was an agreement. Justin flips out when Brian tersely asks what he needs to sign. He's appalled that Brian would just blithely sign over his rights. Of course, Justin's outburst steels Brian's resolve. He tells Justin he's teaching his son an important lesson - never to count on his old man. Just as he'd never been able to count on Jack.

Speaking of whom . . . all the father and son talk induces Brian to visit his dad at a bar he's obviously been to many time. Father and son's roles are reversed when Jack asks for money, and Brian gives it to him. Then he tells Brian he was the result of an unwanted pregnancy that chained him to married life and a woman he can't stand. Brian's obviously hurt and tries to leave, but Jack calls him back. "Sonny-boy, just stay. Come have another drink with your old man. C'mon. Come have another drink." From his drunken state when he stumbles into Michael's apartment later, Brian obviously did. Later, he cries. It's the first of only three scenes (twice in Season One and once in Season Five) we see Brian overcome by grief. It's old news, Michael tells him. But clearly even old news still has the capacity to break Brian's heart.

The next day, when it's time to sign the paperwork sundering his legal relationship to Gus, Brian balks. His son is crying, just as Brian had cried the night before. Brian looks at him for a long moment and then picks him up. Mel's hopeful expression morphs into despair as she realizes Brian is in the process of changing his mind - and then he does. The agreement is off. He'd said he'd surrender his parental rights before Gus was born, but now that Brian has held him and looked at his face, now that his son "exists," he can't do it. It's one of the most moving scenes in the whole show when he cradles Gus against his chest and tenderly holds the baby's head against his throat.

But what about Justin? Twice in the episode, Brian admonishes him to do his homework and in one, he helps Justin study for his SATs. It's evening. Justin is in the shower, and Brian is shaving. It's obviously the weekend because if Brian needs to shave, he hasn't been at work. Why does Justin need to shower? What have they been doing all day? It's not reaching to assume they've been fucking. Now they're showering and shaving together. Justin looks hilariously like a little kid with his hair sticking up as he slathers shaving soap on his seemingly hairless face. Meanwhile, Brian is shaving off a five o'clock shadow. It's a father-son scene; a boy watching his dad and playing at being a man. A man who's been fucking the boy all afternoon like an adult and then minutes later helping him with his homework. It's one of the very few times that the show deals (although obliquely) with the age issue.

As an aside: this episode involves one of the two times that it's implied that Jack beat Brian. (Minute 23:40.) Later we learn that he also beat Joan too.

Another aside: note Lindsay's expression when she's discussing the issue of adoption with Mel, and Mel says they need to talk to Brian. She's obviously unhappy about the prospect. Why? For me, it supports my opinion that Lindsay is in love with Brian and she sees their relationship as mother and father of Gus as an important tie between them. She's obviously reluctant to sever it.

A final aside: the scene in which Michael takes care of Brian and comforts him is my favorite Mickey and Brian moment. And it's one of the few moments that the show illustrates how essential Michael has been to Brian's life. They've obviously talked about Jack many times. The fact that Michael's bedroom looks like it could belong to a fourteen year-old emphasizes the childhood connection between the two men - a connection that is slowly fading and eventually breaks. Much to Brian's heartbreak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! So many awesome comments to catch-up with! Glad to see you were busy while I was away :)


	12. The Pennsylvania Turnpike

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, episode 10

I was actually on the Pennsylvania Turnpike at 1 a.m. on Tuesday morning. It sucked. Driving in Pennsylvania is always a little bit tricky because of the hilly landscape and windy highways, but there was also fog and deer and a million trucks driving 80 mph. I white-knuckled it almost the entire way. I kept thinking of Brian and the boys stranded on the shoulder and hoping my ankle would be as tantalizing as Emmett's should I need a Good Samaritan. (Btw, I love love LOVE that Emmett's the only one in the group who knows how to change a tire!)

Okay. Analysis. Interpretation. Erudition. C'mon, Fray, you can do it. Stop re-watching The Hotel Scene over and over and over and etc. You must have something more pithy to say than "Guh!"

Oh, fuck it. Who am I kidding? Let's talk about sex. After all, this is a discussion about Brian. 

Let's starts from the beginning: Justin (being Season One Justin) is obviously camped out in an expensive room in an expensive hotel dining on lobster. I did some (very) cursory research on Chelsea hotels and ascertained that the room was probably around $250-$450 per night; the lobster and wine, probably another $75 (depending how crazy Justin got in choosing the vintage, in which case, room service could've been well into the hundreds). Plus there was the plane ticket from Pittsburgh to New York. All charged on a credit card Justin "borrowed" from Brian.

Wow. Brazen, little shit. Seriously. People can get arrested for credit card fraud, and he knew it. Justin is reckless, but it's also clear that he trusts Brian will let him "get away with it." Brian wouldn't let Justin stay with a homophobic father; he's definitely not going to let Justin go to juvie hall.

And when Brian shows up at the door, Justin initiates sex even though he knows (I'm thinking of the blowjob scene in Michael's bedroom) that Brian makes the first move. Then, just as surprising, Brian goes along with it - at least for a few minutes until he pushes Justin onto the bed and takes control.

One has to ask how often Brian has "allowed" someone to make the first move. The only time we've seen that happen since the start of the show is when a guy in the steam room at the gym starts touching himself while he stares into Brian's eyes, but that's a lot different from undressing him. Brian's expression shows clearly that he's not only enjoying being seduced, but is also somewhat surprised that it's even happening at all - that he's letting it happen. Which says a lot about his feelings for Justin. Justin intrigues him - his willfulness is deeply attractive, especially seeing as it's focused entirely on Brian in one way or another. He clearly loves the attention, even basks like a cat in it. He loves letting Justin do things to him - not things that he's asked for (or more likely demanded), but things that Justin, himself, wants to do. Like bite him. On the chest. Or lick his hipbone, or . . . . *slaps self and wipes drool off chin*

But then because he's Brian, he takes control rather suddenly, startling Justin when he uses both hands to shove him back onto the bed. (Kind of a microcosmic version of their whole relationship at that time - Brian lets Justin get close emotionally and then shoves him away when things get _too_ close.) Brian then proceeds to - as the cliche goes - fuck Justin into the mattress. Yes, he's in control in a physical sense - he's now the one doing things to Justin whereas in the beginning it'd been the other way around. But he's not in control of himself - Justin, yes, but not himself. This isn't a methodical fuck. It's raw and grasping and desperate. This isn't "tricking." It's "fucking" - _real_ fucking. Good ol' lose-your-mind fucking. Brian's brain is disengaged, which probably almost never happens. It's got to be a new experience for him. After fucking like that, tricking is going to feel different. Not necessarily lacking by comparison, but definitely different.

I've always wondered what the ride back to Pittsburgh was like. Who sat in the front seat beside Brian (my guess is Michael but maybe not - God, imagine Michael's ANGST if Justin got shotgun!) What did everyone talk about? What was Brian's mood? My guess is quiet and focused on driving, but I also think he was talking with Deb about the possibility of Justin living with her. Or maybe he'd done that back at the hotel. Whichever it was, we know that the issue's settled the same night/day because Brian's wearing the same clothes he'd been wearing on the trip in Deb's kitchen. I can actually imagine everyone falling asleep except for Michael who is Kinney's Ko-pilot. Plus Michael must've suspected Brian and Justin had had sex - probably from Justin's good (possibly even triumphant) mood and Brian's demeanor (whatever that might be) - and he's wide awake seething. 

By the way, I don't blame him. I would be too if I was Michael. That kiss Brian gave him while Emmett was changing the tire was a lover's kiss accompanied by a declaration of forever-love. Michael just melts into that kiss, and you can tell it's something he's dreamed of and craved for God only knows how long. As for where the kiss came from, my guess is that it's Brian's twisted gut-response to Michael saying that David holds him rather than runs to the shower after they have sex. Brian says, somewhat defeatedly, that in that case, David _must_ really love Michael. Cue Brian's acknowledgement of sometimes treating Michael like shit, the "always have, always will" remark, and the kiss. One look at Ted and Emmett's expressions when they see Brian kissing Michael, and it's obvious that Brian's behavior upsets them. After all, they're the ones with the front row seats to the dysfunctional "Brian  & Mickey Show" and see how it affects Michael. Yes, it's easy to say Michael is pathetic, but the flip side is that Brian is a fucking magnetic force of nature. Michael is neither particularly strong nor smart. He's just one more leaf caught up in the often-dangerous tornado that is Brian Kinney. 

Speaking of blowjobs - do you guys think that other than Justin did Brian give them to his tricks? I can see arguments on both sides .... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I mentioned lately how much I'm loving this discussion?? If not, consider it mentioned. Thanks, everyone!


	13. Canon -What Is It?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is a very quick aside but I've been mulling it over for a while. I'm going to give you guys my opinion; please feel more than free to add yours. It's a really interesting question that I haven't seen addressed in a meaningful way before.

When it comes to canon, I am what Justice Scalia would call a "strict constructionist." (The comparison pains me given what a bat shit guy he is, but it's apt in this situation.) What I mean is that anything that happens in a show or book is, for me, canon. Even if the writing is bad or a character does something wildly out-of-character, I still treat it as canon. Even when the writers appear to be "punishing" a character and/or an actor. Once it's been put on film or written on a page, I treat it as 100% true. I don't revise a plot or characterization to make them make more sense or cherry-pick the scenes I agree with from the ones I don't. For instance, as an extreme example, say that Brian becomes a priest out of nowhere with no good explanation. A true WTF? situation. But then in the next episode, he quits the priesthood and goes back to being the Brian we know and love. The temptation might be to just ignore the whole thing and say that it doesn't ring true or it's some random writer's acid trip brain fart. But for me, if Brian becomes a priest for an episode then he becomes a priest for an episode, and my job as a viewer (but especially as a writer) is to try to make the nonsensical make sense. Because even if something comes from outer space, it adds another aspect to the character and/or plot. So, going back to the Brian-becomes-a-priest example, I would argue that it makes sense given Brian's Irish Catholic background and perhaps a bit of lingering self-hate regarding his sexuality. So if I wrote a gap-filler, I'd focus on those things and tease out what they say about Brian that hadn't been said before.

I've talked with a lot of people who write-off all of Season Five because they don't see that it makes sense in light of what's come before it. After he'd grown so much, why would Brian regress so substantially? Why does Justin suddenly start wanting the burbs, babies and monogamy? It doesn't make obvious sense, and there seems to be something behind it that has nothing to do with the story and its characters - like a political agenda or a dislike of certain actors. That very well may be true, but for me it makes no difference. It is what it is. What I need to do is try to understand why Brian regresses and why Justin turns into a righteous asshole willing to throw over the man he allegedly loves and to whom he'd come back to Pittsburgh for after living in L.A. Trying to make sense of these things means having to write some pretty dark, angsty fics, but that's what comes with being an canon purist. I don't ignore things that hurt and things that suck and things that seem to objectively not make sense. One of my reasons for taking this approach is that I see a slippery slope in deciding what to choose as canon and what to reject. If one scene can be written off as non-canonical, then another one can be too, and suddenly the show becomes fanfic.

Here's an actual example of what I'm talking about. We discussed the scene in episode nine when Brian goes to the bar to see his dad and then shows up at Michael's apartment drunk and upset and willing to let Michael mother him. There's an argument that Brian's actions and emotions are out-of-character and thus the scenes should be ignored (for lack of a better word) because they don't seem to make sense. My hardline canon approach will not let me ignore those scenes because they're arguably a result of bad writing. They exists, for better or for worse, and I what I do is try to make sense of it all. One of the reasons why I like this way of thinking about canon is that it can make interpretation more challenging and thus, for me, more fun. Assuming that what occurred actually did occur means taking a new look at Brian and weaving the impressions we get of him in those scenes into our overall understanding of him. He does still get upset over his childhood even though he's 29 (what does that say about him?) He does come to Michael and not to Justin - or even Lindsay for comfort (what does that say about Brian and Michael's relationship? About Brian and Justin's? About Brian and Lindsay's?) He does let himself be tucked into what looks like a teenager's bed in a teenager's room despite being a professional with a glamorous apartment and a very adult lifestyle (what does that say about him?) And he does cry - which is kind of a big deal in my book (again, what does that tell us about him?)

Those are my thoughts on canon. What are you guys'?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having a blast reading the comments on the last post :)


	14. You Take Care, Kiddo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, episode 11

Ugh. This episode . . . I'm not going to say I hate it because it's brilliant, but I find it hard to watch.

First I'll mention something I've never heard anyone discuss before: Tracy and how she's treated like shit. I really like her - she's trusting and sweet . . . and oblivious. Like she said when she found out he's gay, Michael is a liar. If not expressly then definitely through implication. Never once did he try to disabuse her of her belief that he liked her and found her attractive. He just cowardly went along with it. And then there's Brian. He doesn't give one single solitary fuck about her. I don't think her feelings even entered the picture. He couldn't care less. She's just a silly pawn in his game. I'm actually more angry at him for the way he treats her than the way he treats Michael. It highlights a super shitty side of Brian's personality and worldview that I don't see changing any time soon. We certainly don't see any sign of it changing by the end of the show. Not that I'm a fan of Monty and Eli (at all), but Brian didn't give a damn about pointlessly antagonizing them just to get at Michael - and Justin.

As for Brian's "game" . . .

Okay, I beat him up over Tracy, but I want to beat everyone else up over the their treatment of Brian in this episode, especially Debbie. Yes, I'm not impartial. My heart breaks for Brian; the scene at the end when he turns his back on Deb when she tells him that getting out of Michael's life is the best thing he could do for him - and thus her - makes me tear-up every time I watch it. As does the scene when everyone leaves the party calling him an asshole - and implying they'd already thought he was; he'd merely confirmed their opinions. It's not that Brian doesn't deserve it - from their perspective, he'd been breath-stoppingly cruel. And he had been, but he hadn't done it for himself. In fact his cruelty hurt him as much as it did Michael. He did it for his "real" mom. He did it for Debbie. Before Justin comes along, hers is the only opinion he cares about. He wants her to like him - just as he'd wanted to make his real parents like him. Arguably he failed in both attempts.

I understand where Deb is coming from. She believes Michael has a chance of moving in with a man - a man who, by the way, is a _doctor_. Yes, she wants her son to be happy - but even more so, she wants him to be happy with a man who will take care of him, and maybe her and Vic as well. Things are financially desperate for Deb; she's got a beloved brother with HIV, and an even more beloved son who's unlikely to get a better job than the head manager position at the Q-Mart. David is not only someone who will love Michael, he'll be someone who can support him - and her and Vic too by extension. But there's something standing in the way. That something is Brian. Brian must go. For everyone's sake. He's the one sinking the life raft, and he needs to be shoved out.

Unsurprisingly (and arguably with good reason), Deb blames Brian for the fact Michael broke up with David - which I guess says something about her opinion of her own son, namely that Michael is essentially weak. He's so weak that he can't even see what she sees as his best interests. All he can see is Brian. Which of course is Brian's fault in her opinion. He's like some kind of wizard who's cast a spell on Michael to make him into a marionette puppet. Michael's both helpless and blameless. Brian - and Brian alone - is the bad guy. The "wicked witch" as Emmett calls him.

When Deb comes to the loft in the beginning of the episode, she is loaded for bear. She is _pissed_. Not only does she want Brian to release Michael from the "spell" Brian's put him under; she wants him to get out of Michael's life entirely. Brian, the same obstinate man who refuses to be pushed around, immediately surrenders to her wishes. And "surrender" is really the right word. Everything from his voice to his body language admits defeat. Everyone else in his life has admonished him to leave Michael alone, and he'd scoffed at them. But he can't - and won't - scoff at Debbie. She's his mom. She'd once loved and protected him - or at least it had felt to him like that. He needs her love and respect - probably more than anyone else's, even Lindsay's. He feels he'll be lost without her and the sense of family she represents. By telling him to "let Michael go," she's basically telling him to get out of both of their lives. Because Michael won't be able to get over Brian if he's in the picture. Asking Brian to let Michael go is the same as saying "get out of my life." In other words, stay away from me, Vic, my house, the diner and Michael's friends, Ted and Emmett. Everything that Brian has known and needed (except for Lindsay, Gus and Justin) are tied to Michael, which implicitly means they're tied to Debbie. Deb basically hands Brian the knife to cut out his own heart so that Michael will have a chance at being a doctor's wife.

Wow. Harsh, huh? True, the show doesn't make all of these things explicit, but they're there just underneath the surface. Michael = Debbie. Debbie = Mom. Mom = family. Debbie tells Brian to not only let go of his heretofore best friend, but the only family he's felt loved by as well.

Being Brian, he doesn't merely sit down with Michael and "break up" with him civilly. Instead he, as Deb says, pushes Michael off a fucking cliff. But he had to. As Brian points out, he needed to make Michael _hate_ him. It was the only way he could pry Michael out of his life. And what the hell had Deb envisioned? A polite conversation over coffee? She knows Brian is often a shit to Michael, and Michael forgives him every time. To get Michael out of his life, Brian had to do more than just be shitty to him. He had to do something absolutely unforgivable. And he did. What he did is patently, objectively unforgivable. Yet what does Michael do only weeks later? He forgives Brian and welcomes him back into his life. Without even demanding an explanation. And what does Brian do? He goes back to driving a wedge between Michael and David. Nothing changes . . . except they have. The fact that Brian "gets back together" with Michael doesn't mean he "gets back together" with Deb. What are the chances that Deb went from thinking of Brian as an irredeemable asshole to thinking he's a downright bad person? First he pushes Michael off a cliff, and then he goes back to doing the very things she'd asked him not to do. If I were Deb, I would deeply dislike Brian - no matter what Brian had done for Michael over the years. Perhaps she does. Do we ever find out for sure?

As for the details: When Deb comes to the loft to tell Brian to leave Michael alone, she tells him exactly what she thinks of him - things he'd probably already suspected but could never prove. She tells him that from the moment he entered Michael's life, he started fucking it up. At 14, Brian gets Michael drunk (again, apparently, Michael had no say in the matter - what did Brian do? Pour the whiskey down Michael's throat?) Deb says she knew then and there that Brian was "trouble, and [he] hadn't disappointed her a day since." Everything he's done and become since then confirms her initial assessment. (It's interesting - and heartbreaking - that she uses the word "disappoint" - it's the word a parent uses with a child when the parent thinks the child has let the parent down.) Brian's bitter response is that at least he's been consistent. (Deb replies, "a consistent heartbreak" - to Michael or to her?) He's already given up. "Mom" has always known he was bad news (and thus unlovable). She's never loved him, she's merely tolerated him. She's never really wanted him in her son's life - or, by extension, hers. The implication is clear: if she could've made him leave a long time ago - arguable from the first moment she met him - she would've. She would've slammed the door in his face and sent him back to Jack and Joan. Brian may have suspected this was the case, but in episode eleven, Deb makes it crystal clear. She wants Brian to go the fuck away and never come back. Her love for her son demands that he does. Because she knows from experience that Michael is too weak to make his own decisions, which is an interesting thing to think about one's son.

Brian reminds Deb that he's been there for Michael. Her answer is that he's been there "too much." Whatever that means. It was okay that Brian protected Michael, helped him through school, gave him money (or at least offered it), and heaven knows what else, but those things, in Deb's opinion, should've been the extent of his involvement in Michael's life. Anything more was a hindrance, not a help. Beyond the tangible things Brian could do for Michael, he's a menace in Michael's life. Now, Brian is a liability. It's time for him to go. Regardless of the cost. Regardless of how lonely losing his family will make him. Of how lost he'll be.

The next time Debbie talks to Brian is to express her fury at him for what he'd done to Michael at the party, but when she comes back the following morning, she says she'd realized that Brian hadn't done something awful - he'd given Michael the best present he could've, his freedom (his freedom _from_ Brian). Brian turns away from her, his vulnerability evident in his hunched, bare shoulders. He's hurting - perhaps even on the edge of tears. For a moment, Deb realizes the implication of her words - and perhaps what she's exacted from him to do what she'd asked him to do. She regards him sadly, and then comes around and kisses his cheek. "You take care, kiddo," she says and then leaves. In one four-word sentence, she both acknowledges Brian as her child and says good-bye.

Yes, Brian pushed Michael off a cliff, but Deb did the same to him.


	15. Lemon Squares, Turkey Sandwiches and Ice Cream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, episode 12

Before I start blah-blahing about episode 12, I just wanted to mention a couple more things about episode 11. I went back and watched the bonus version of the episode during which the actors and CowLip talk about various scenes. While I don't think what the actors or CowLip have to say is canon (for my definition of canon, see chapter 13) it's still really interesting - especially when it comes to Brian and Deb. I already knew this from reading interviews with Gale, but I was reminded again that he believes that of all the relationships in the show (including Brian/Justin), Brian's relationship with Deb is the most important and consequential (and Sharon agrees - she says Deb and Brian "have a very unusual relationship" and her favorite scenes are the scenes she filmed with Gale). Both Gale and Sharon believe that Deb knows Brian better than anyone else does, and she's the only one who can really call him on his shit - the only one about whose opinion he really cares. Which is terribly sad because her opinion of him is so low (those are my thoughts, not Gale's). Yet (cut to Sharon), Debbie also believes that Brian's the only one with the power/leverage to get Michael to grow up. But how does she express that opinion? By telling Brian that he's "ruined her kid's life" with that alleged power. But still she wants him to use it one last time despite the price Brian will pay.

[Another interesting aside: CowLip say that "yes, Brian is a very sexual character, but he's also a moral character . . . because he lives by a moral code. . . He lives by what he believes in." They also say that the moment when Deb tells Brian he'd done Michael "a favor" because now Michael might finally have a chance to have a life is a crucial moment in the show because the audience finally realizes what's "underneath Brian . . . How there's a nobility there, that he does the right thing but in his own way." They also say that for the first time, we learn that Brian's never going to look for sympathy by explaining his actions - he's always going to suffer in silence. That aspect of his character stays true to the _very_ end, and it's why I think that he decides to let Justin go, again despite the price he'll pay.]

Alright, speaking of the price Brian will pay, let's move on to episode 12.

The episode begins with Brian sweating out his angst on his treadmill while looking at the pictures of him and Mikey as teenagers that he'd put up for the surprise party. He calls Michael, but hangs-up when Michael answers. When Emmett asks Michael who'd called, Michael answers that it was Brian, and he knows it was Brian because Brian's deviated septum makes him wheeze when he breathes. (Btw, a deviated septum is either something a person is born with or [develops as he result of a head injury](http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/deviated-septum/basics/causes/con-20031537). I'm not sure if it was conscious on CowLip's part, but the fact that Brian has a deviated septum could be another indication that Jack had physically abused him. Regardless, I treat that as my canon for writing purposes because I think it's a reasonable interpretation regardless of whether it's intentional.)

The next scene with Brian in it takes place in his office. He's brooding and snaps at Cynthia; she remarks that it's been a week since she'd received a phone call from Michael every five minutes. (Every five minutes?! Yes, Cynthia is exaggerating, but it's nonetheless clear that Michael calls Brian - at work! - multiple times every day. Why? God, it's so pathetic.) This scene is then followed by one of the most hilarious in the whole show. Brian needs someone to go out with now that Mikey is no longer an option, so he calls Ted of all people! They go to Woody's where Brian pokes sullenly at the cherries in his cocktail (cocktail?!) and insults Ted mercilessly all the while recalling flashbacks to him and Michael being immature dorks. Brian also shrugs off potential tricks (shrugs off potential tricks?!) who then end up with Ted seemingly out of spite. But Ted doesn't care; he's getting laid by Brian-quality guys. He's psyched. (I also love the scene with Emmett when Ted describes his "symbiotic" relationship with Brian. It cracks me up every time I watch it.)

Brian finds Ted's companionship less than scintillating and turns to Lindsay who's having the first of a zillion fights with Mel. Brian walks into her house and announces he'd dropped by for dinner (presumptuous? No, of course not. It's Brian Kinney. LOL!) but it's only 2 o'clock, so Brian announces he'll just "hang out" until then. Mel is understandably incredulous and says he's only there because Michael is no longer in the picture. Brian replies that "it's just as well. Mikey and I were holding onto each other for too long. When you think about it, what do we even have in common?" (News-fucking-flash!) Mel replies "your lives?" And Brian says "aside from that." Then he adds that things are better off now because Michael's with David - "where he should be." What does Lindsay say? Instead of what she should say, she suggests "it's not too late to fix things." Why she's trying to get Brian and Mikey "back together" isn't clear to me. My best guess is that it's hard for her to watch Brian hurting and lonely.

(Just a random aside: does Gale suck at pool as much as Brian does? Or is that just acting? Me thinks it's not. At last, something Gale/Brian _can't_ do!)

After Brian tries Ted and Linz, now it's time for Justin. Sorry, everyone, but that says nothing good about Brian and Justin's relationship at this stage. Also, the scene in the diner is the first time that Brian has ever actively invited Justin to the loft willingly and not as a result of necessity. Justin is thrilled . . . until he realizes that Brian invited him only because he no longer has Mikey. The poor kid looks so crestfallen at the realization.

Sorry again, everyone. I'm going to give the ice cream scene short-shrift and focus on Justin's self-appointed role of reuniting Brian and Michael. As Daphne made clear, Justin does it because he loves Brian and can see that Brian's unhappy. He also seems to believe that Brian doesn't know what's good for him. The problem is that Justin, himself, doesn't see what would be good for Brian; namely, that Brian and Michael remain "broken up." It's a selfless act (because Justin has everything to gain now that Mikey is out of Brian's life), but it's also a result of not yet understanding the dysfunctional nature of the Brian & Mikey Show. There's a lot about Brian that Justin doesn't know yet, although he _does_ recognize (and points out) that Brian is only a shit to push people away, and being a shit to him isn't going to work unlike it does with everyone else. Justin is "onto him." For Brian and Justin to work out, it's a very important thing for Justin to know - actually, scratch-out "very important." It's absolutely crucial (although Justin later seems to "unlearn" what's he's learned about Brian - but that's a discussion for later . . .)

[That said, there's one thing I'll point out about Brian and Justin's scene at the loft - there is no way in hell Brian would've let a trick sit on his lap and spoon-feed him ice cream. Yes, it's an intensely sexual scene, but it's not just "fucking." It's much more even though Brian behaves like his usual asshole-self and kicks Justin out when Justin tries to talk with him about Michael.] 

All in all, episode 12 is kind of weird. After the complexities of episode 11, episode 12 seems simplistic. In episode 11, Brian is mature and clear-sighted about the Mikey situation. In episode 11, he's missing his and Michael's adolescent conversations and Michael's awestruck worship. It makes Brian seem immature compared to the man we saw in the previous episode. So what's going on? It's possible it's easier for Brian to focus on the simplistic aspects of his relationship with Mikey rather than the complexities. There's also a lot of nostalgia going on. Michael has been there every moment of Brian's life for half his life. Of course he's going to miss Mikey no matter how unlikely and unequal their friendship has become and how far realities and circumstances have distanced them from each other. Brian regresses again in this episode, which seems to be a trend in his relationship with Michael. Michael represents his past. Gus and Justin represent his future. But change never follows a consistent trajectory, and it doesn't always result in desirable outcomes. Maybe it's not as obvious as it is with Michael, but Brian too still isn't fully an "adult." He has his own childhood issues and obstacles to overcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll notice that even though I didn't focus on it, I provided you guys with a gorgeous picture from the Ice Cream Kiss scene created by the talented Kellankyle.


	16. Fray Screws Up - Big Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to comments received on my last post, I realized I totally got my interpretation of episode 12 wrong. Here's my new attempt to get it right.
> 
> Btw, I'm typing this on my iPad on a very busy train, so please forgive any typos and other weirdness :)

Okay. I got it wrong on Episode 12. Thank you to those who pointed it out in their comments to my last post. Btw, I LOVE finding out that I'm wrong - it makes all of this so much more fun and interesting, so please always feel free to challenge my interpretations.

So these are my revised thoughts about what we learn about Brian in Season One, episode 12:

Most importantly we realize that outside of Michael and Lindsay (and slowly but steadily Justin), Brian has no friends. Not only that, but we learn that he desperately needs the few friends he has to be happy. You'll notice I'm not counting Ted and Emmett in this list. Brian doesn't respect Ted enough to be his friend (which is more Brian's fault than Ted's imo because there's more to Ted than Brian bothers to find out - until later) and I'm pretty sure he knows that if he asked Emmett to hang-out, Emmett would tell him to go fuck himself. Justin is the only person (other than Deb) who realizes why Brian had done what he did at Michael's party - which, btw, is telling because those people who've known Brian longest (including Michael) don't figure it out until, presumably, Justin tells Michael what's going on, and then Michael tells the others. It says a lot about the emotional bond Brian and Justin are building.

It's easy to write off (as I did) this episode because it seems odd in light of who we know Brian slowly becomes over the course of the show. But Brian hasn't let Michael go yet - he will somewhat in Season Two as his relationship with Justin intensifies, but Brian in Season One still wants (perhaps with growing reluctance) the "Brian & Mikey Show" to go on. In his opinion, it hasn't jumped the shark yet even though everyone else thinks otherwise.

The crucial thing we learn about Brian is that he's very lonely and - interestingly - doesn't particularly want to be alone. He'd rather hang out with Ted and play Scrabble with Mel and Linz (much to Mel's distress and alarm - I love the scene when she calls Ted and pleads with him to get Brain to leave her and Linz alone . . . presumably so they can get back to snipping at each other). The fact that Brian is lonely and needs company makes the sacrifice he made for Deb even more onerous than it already was. Because (albeit indirectly), Brian seems to give up all his "fun" now that he doesn't have Michael around to encourage him - he stops tricking; he stops dancing; he stops drinking and doing his "party mixes." He becomes a Brian we don't recognize and thus write off as OoC. But doing so totally goes against my concept of canon. *face palm*

So why doesn't Brian have any friends? My guess is because he doesn't want them and feels that he doesn't need them - or at least didn't until he shoved Michael into the arms (and home) of the good doctor. It's not hard to imagine that Brian is shit at making friends - from what we can tell, he's an arrogant asshole at work, an equally arrogant and unfriendly top at Babylon and the baths, an unloved child by his parents (and now his adoptive mom), and plus he's made it difficult to maintain his friendship with Lindsay by tormenting Mel at every opportunity and - like he does with Michael and David - trying to drive a wedge between her and Linz. He's just plain not a nice guy unless he's already let you through the bolted door of his respect and affection. But it's hard for him to respect people because he judges them based on not knowing them as real, individual people with pasts and hopes and ideas and senses of humor - and even worse, not even being curious. Brian either doesn't want to or simply cannot connect with other people. It's actually terribly sad - it's something that makes our Brian-besotted hearts bleed every time Justin leaves him. Brian is, at his core, a very lonely person. It's perhaps his Achilles' Heel. But he seems to lack the courage and self-confidence to reach out to "strangers."

And it's interesting that everyone he's met since he was in college, he dismisses as unworthy (Ted) or invasive (Justin) - and it's never really clear what he feels for Emmett, although I've always thought he respects Emmett for being truly out and living consistently by his own rules (like Brian himself). But as far as we can tell - beyond the possibility he might occasionally play racquet ball with someone (his talent at the game had to come from somewhere) - he's such a dick that no one likes him, let alone wants to hang-out with him. One wonders what happened during college that caused him to shut himself off so completely.

Interestingly, arguably the one person Brian appears on the verge of connecting with in a guy-buddy kind of way (as opposed to a childhood friend or a lover) is Stockwell - a straight man. Brian opens up to him, and there's a budding friendship there, that, as we know, falls apart when Stockwell fires him because he's gay. It must've been very hard for Brian - and it must've confirmed for him his instinct that he should - and needed to - keep people at a distance. If he let them get too close, if they learned too much about him, they'd reject him, and rejection is Brian's greatest fear.

So those are my revised thoughts. Far from having "out-grown" Michael, Brian seems in episode 12 to fall apart without him. Which says a hell of a lot about him. We now know that just barely beneath the surface, Brian is lonely and rather needy. Does anyone (except arguably Michael and Lindsay) know that? One of the things I'v always wondered is whether Justin ever truly realizes how vulnerable Brian is. If he didn't, it makes his leaving three times more understandable and less cruel-seeming, but if he didn't . . . . well, what does that say about their relationship? As far as I'm concerned, I see these as open questions that I'm not sure the show answers for us. But then again, that's what post 5-13 fanfics are meant for :)


	17. "Brian finally fucked the last person he should have - himself"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, episode 13

PLOT BUNNY ALERT!

If you writers don't write it, I will. Episode 13, minute 5:10. Setting: Brian, Michael, Ted and Emmett are at Babylon. Brian says that the PTown Party is coming up. ("Ptown" being one of most [notable gay vacation spots](http://ptown.org/) in the U.S. Btw, it's awesome; go visit sometime. It's a blast no matter what time of year it is.) He says he'll make the plans for the three of [them] "as usual" (meaning this is an annual trek - Holy shit! The boys leave Pittsburgh now and then!) "The _three_ of us?" Michael asks. Brian replies, "yeah, the three of us - me, Emmett and Ted." "What about me?!" Michael exclaims. "You can't go," Brian replies as though it's obvious. "Why?" Michael asks. "You're in a relationship," Ted says. "Or have you forgotten?" Brian leans into Michael's face. "No more fun for _you_ ," he says.

LOL! But back to the plot bunny. I so want to read a fic about a trip with the boys to PTown. Doitdoitdoitdoit . . .

But on a serious note: Brian's back to his old game of driving a wedge between Michael and David. What the fuck? Seriously. What. The. Fuck? Brian just can't seem to help himself, can he?

Speaking of which . . .

The main thrust (yes, obvious pun intended) of episode 13 is that Brian gets tangled up in a sordid web of his own weaving - namely, Kip Thomas and Brian's inability to pass of a conquest no matter how stupid. Kip Thomas is a new employee at Brian's agency. He's bright and ambitious, and Brian likes bright and ambitious. He also likes to fuck when the opportunity presents itself. He fucks Kip on his desk ( _glass_ desk - it's one of the hottest trick scenes in the show. I particularly admire the . . . uhm . . . camera angles). He then fucks Kip again when Kip comes to the loft to work on an important ad campaign Brian has invited him to be a part of.

Then Kip asks Brian to recommend him for a job opening well above his experience level. Brian, back to being the top exec instead of the top in the bedroom, tells Kip he's not ready for the position. One day he might be, but not yet.

Later he encounters Kip in Babylon's backroom. Kip is high - and pissed that someone else got the job he wanted and that Brian hadn't recommended him. Brian asked why he should've recommended him when he wasn't qualified - just because they'd fucked? "You weren't _that_ good," Brian tells him. (Lol) Kip doesn't let him go. It wasn't that they'd fucked, he says. It's because he's gay and Brian's gay, and gay men should help each other out. Brian looks at him like he's from outer space. It doesn't matter if he's gay, Brian tells Kip. It matters how well he does his job. If he does his job well, no one will care where he sticks his dick. Kip has to succeed just as Brian did - by being better at his job than anyone else. Being gay doesn't - and shouldn't - have anything to do with it.

Fast forward a few days. Ryder tells Brian that Kip is suing both him personally and the agency for sexual harassment, alleging that Brian had promised he'd help get Kip promoted if Kip would have sex with him, and then after he'd complied, Brian failed to hold up his end of the arrangement. The episode ends with a shot of Brian looking stunned.

What does all of this say about Brian? He's reckless, but we kind of knew that already. He also makes stupid choices and lacks foresight sometimes. And he doesn't think being gay makes him a "brother" in some kind of fraternity. This belief is key to understanding what Brian thinks about being gay - it's part, but not all, of what makes a man. Yes, he's a proud "cocksucker," but he's even more so a proud individual who has never relied on being part of a group or identity to succeed. He doesn't want to be part of a "gay movement," he wants to be himself as he defines it. He also displays this attitude when dealing with the Gay and Lesbian Center, which he loathes. As he tells Lindsay and Mel, just because he's gay doesn't mean he's part of some community.

I'm not sure, but I'm thinking that Brian's attitude about what it means to be gay was probably very controversial back in 2000 (and maybe even now). A civil rights movement relies on having a united front of people who identify with one another. Brian adamantly rejects that idea of unity, which probably rendered him an obstacle in the minds of those people who were politically active in the cause for gay rights. Certainly Deb and Mel (and eventually Justin) think so.

Another thought that hovers over all of Brian's encounters with tricks - his general contempt of them, especially after they have sex. Brian likes to stick his dick in gay men, but that seems to be the extent of his investment. He doesn't want them to become friends and often not even repeat partners (although it's not true that Brian doesn't fuck a trick more than once as a lot of fanfic would have us believe). He just doesn't seem to like "his own kind" very much, and I'm not even sure he thinks of himself as any kind of anything. He's proudly and defiantly Brian. But that said, he talks to Justin a lot about being "the best homosexual he can possibly be," and being the best homosexual seems to mean telling everyone to go fuck off while you do what you want. The best homosexual you can be seems to mean tricking and not relationships, freedom and self-determination, even selfishness (which Brian considers a virtue). So there seems to be some tension about what Brian considers to be "the best homosexual" and actually homosexuals he comes in contact with. If he thought the men he fucks are "good homosexuals" then why does he treat them so contemptuously? Instead of striving to be the best homosexual he can possibly be, Brian seems to be striving to be the best _individual_ he can be, regardless of sexual orientation. Or does he automatically think that the best "kind" of individual is a homosexual?

Damn! I'm getting tied in knots here. What do you guys think?

(Btw, at the very end of the show when Brian tells Justin that he's become the best homosexual he can possibly be - the way he says it with a catch in his voice makes me think two things: 1. that he believes that Justin's leaving is an essential component of being the best homosexual he can possibly be, and 2. that Brian doesn't think he, himself, has ultimately achieved the same status. It's the tried-and-true theme of the student excelling his teacher. Implicit in Brian's observation is not only a "farewell, I release you from my tutelage," but a kind of accompanying admission of defeat as well as an acceptance - and admiration - that Justin has become a better person than he's been able to.)


	18. The Fuck Defense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, episode 14

My favorite part of episode 14 (even taking into account Justin's "Gotcha!" scene with Kip) is Brian and Mel putting their heads together to save Brian's ass from getting fired because of Kip's sexual harassment suit. It starts at minute 8:13. Brian and Mel are sitting down at a table in a fancy but very chilly looking restaurant (Brian never takes his coat off and we can see snow falling outside the window). Mel is incredulous that Brian wants her to be his lawyer. "Let me get this straight," Mel says. "You fuck up my life, destroy my relationship, and now you have the astonishing, breath-taking gall to ask me to represent you?" Brian basically shrugs. And then they come up with the "Fuck Defense," which is absolutely hilarious to me, being a lawyer as well. But I will say this: it's actually not such a bad idea. (Btw, we were talking about tricking in the previous post; Mel asks Brian how many men he has sex with every month. His reply: twenty to thirty. Is that a lot? I have no idea. Mel seems to think so, and I guess my knee-jerk response is the same as hers.)

I love this scene. It's the first in which we've seen Brian and Melanie alone together. As they talk, they slowly lean towards each other conspiratorially. To a bystander, they look like a team, not enemies. What I take from their conversation and body language is a certain level of mutual respect - as equally intelligent and capable professionals. Does Brian ever treat anyone else like that (until arguably Ted in Season Five)? He respects Emmett's fuck 'em out-ness; he respects Justin's tenaciousness and occasional insights; he respects Debbie because she's his mom; and he respects Michael (sometimes) and Lindsay (most of the time) because they're the friends he's had the longest. But Mel is the one he respects for being a bit of a bad ass like him - not just as a lawyer but as a person in general. She also plays the superego to his id and calls him on his shit like no one else. But those moments of respect are fleeting. Brian still sees her as a competitor for Lindsay's (and Gus's) affection and takes every opportunity to be a huge dick to her. The remark he makes at the loft when Mel discovers he'd left Gus in order to attend the Leather Ball is about the cruelest comment he makes to anyone in the entire show - "I'm his father," Brian says viciously. "Who the hell are _you_?")

Other scenes I like from Episode 14: Brian confronting Kip (sooooo satisfying! Remind me not to get on Brian's bad side. Best line: "You tried to get ahead by giving head, which, by the way, you're not very good at." *snap!*); the scene at the loft when Michael brings over a fuck-ton of fast food, and they reminisce about high school in an attempt by Michael to distract Brian from the law suit (the following scene at Woody's is a bit over-the-top, but I couldn't resist using the picture); Brian hungover and telling Gus when Gus starts to cry that "it's okay, Sonny-boy. Your old man will recover" and later that he "know[s] he smells bad - it's the vodka"; Brian and Mel waiting for human resources and opposing counsel when Ryder comes in and tells Brian the suit's been dropped. Mel asks incredulously whether he's made of Teflon because nothing sticks to him; and the final scene of Brian and Justin dancing - Justin's shirt slips off, and Brian bends down to pick it up. He tells Justin to watch out, he's losing his shirt. Justin, the little smart ass, tells Brian he heard _he_ had almost lost _his_. Brian replies by pulling Justin close and saying he'd "better be more careful about who he fucks." It's virtually a declaration of true, undying, eternal love Brian-Kinney-style.

I also love Michael's recollection at minute 18:30 that Brian had once wanted to be the next Robert Smith. For those of you young 'uns who don't know who Robert Smith is, he's the lead singer for The Cure, and in the 80's, he looked like this:

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

But my _favorite_ scene in the episode is when Brian goes to David's office. He's lounging on the examination table, smoking a cigarette, blowing smoke rings and looking sexy as all hell. He's got relationship advice for the good doctor: forbid Mikey from hanging out with him and David will lose him. His advice serves his purposes (he'll be able to hang-out with Michael), but it also serves Michael's interests as well by smoothing things out between him and David. It's an example of Brian's Mode of Dealing With Stuff: he'll help you if he gets something out of it too. If you want Brian's assistance, convince him it's in his interest. (There are exceptions, of course, especially when it comes to Gus, but it's more true than not.) Brian is just doing what Brian does - looking out for Number One, namely, himself. Once again, it's all about being the Best Homosexual he can possibly be.

Then, as he's leaving David's office, Brian throws his half-smoked cigarette in David's cup of tea. I know I probably sound a bit weird, but the whole thing turns me on as much as any sex scene does. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to start replying to comments on the previous post soon - the only reason I'm holding off a bit is because there are so many awesome, insightful comments, and I want to see if they'll just keep coming before I jump in. You guys are great!


	19. "You Picked a Hell of a Fucking Time to Tell Me You're a Fairy"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, episode 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this a lloonnggg post, but the Brian-and-Jack story is one of my favorites in the whole show.

The first thing made abundantly clear in episode 15 is that, in case there was any doubt, Justin is staying overnight at the loft on what is probably a regular basis. Apparently now that Brian can shoo him back to Deb's, Justin presence in his space feels less threatening. It's amusing, though, when Justin gets out of the shower that he dons his high school uniform. Amusing and kind of hot even though it's all very father-and-son. Speaking of hot, at minute 6:40, the hottest would-be-trick walks past Brian's booth at the diner in a pair of leather chaps and jeans. I'm just sayin'.

Oh yeah, right. I'm supposed to be all intellectual and shit. Here we go then. This is the Daddy Episode in all its unsubtle glory. One of you called the last episode the apogee of Brian's asshole-ness. Allow me to disagree. This episode wins that contest hands-down. Lindsay who's had to go back to work now that Mel isn't paying for her to stay home with Gus (really?? I hope that's only because there's the expense of two households now that they're not living together and not some passive-aggressive bullshit. Need I (ironically) remind those two ladies that they're parents?) leaves Gus with Brian for the weekend. But it's also Babylon's annual "Leather Ball." The stage is set for the inevitable train wreck. Meanwhile we're reminded in his own story arc that Michael is basically a preteen in a thirty year-old's body. Yes, I get the point. Hank's had to be a grown-up since his parents divorced, and Michael reminds him how to be a kid again . . . but that said, this is one of the reasons Michael seems to me so creepily childlike, and David seems even more creepily pedophile-like. Ick.

We don't even get to the eighth minute when Brian starts freaking out. Gus is crying like babies do, and Brian is obviously at wits end. Enter Jack. (Btw, this is another one of those scenes that makes it clear that Brian and Lindsay used to be a couple - Jack remembers her, which means he'd been introduced to her at least once. Wow, can you imagine what he must've thought! His son showing up with a blonde bombshell on his arm! I bet it was only one of a few times Jack felt an ounce of pride in his Sonny-boy - just like any red-blooded womanizer would.) Jack unceremoniously tells Brian he's dying of cancer. Brian's expression is very telling. The news obviously hits him hard. Which is interesting. One might think Brian would be glad to hear the bastard is dying - or at least feel indifferent. But clearly neither is the case. Brian looks like he'd just heard that someone he loves is ill. Perhaps more than any other scene, this one shows his true feelings for his father. As complicated and painful as those feelings are, the son isn't ready to lose his Old Man. 

The next morning (Brian's third with Gus), he shows up at a Michael-free Deb's house announcing that Gus just threw up all over his new leather jacket (poor, poor Brian). Even 18 year-old Justin calls him out: "Babies do that," he says matter-of-factly. Brian proceeds to try to pawn his son off onto Deb, who immediately catches on that Brian wants a babysitter so he can go to the Leather Ball. Deb's not free though, but Justin offers. Brian is more than happy to take him up on it. Sounds like Jack 2.0.

Speaking again of Jack - Brian notices Vic's copious bottles of pills and his expression darkens. "Must be tough living with that," he says. He's obviously thinking about what his dad must be going through, which is another interesting glimpse into Brian's feelings about Jack's impending death. He's feeling empathy for the old bastard's plight. But the most interesting moment in the whole episode is when Deb tells him he should tell his father he's gay before he dies. Brian's response? "No fucking way!" But Deb persists. "I know you think he never loved you," she says. "But this might be a way to get through to him before it's too late." Two things of note about her remark: (1) it's clear she knows about Brian's history with Jack, and (2) she's delusional thinking that Brian telling Jack he's gay will bring the two together. But, as we know, Brian takes her advice.

Fast forward: it's the Leather Ball (btw, Emmett can really rock a pair of ass-less chaps). Brian shows up clearly having a good ol' time. But later he's almost made the "boy" to a leather Daddy in the backroom and seriously freaks out. Obviously the guy touched a nerve. Did we just get another glimpse into why Brain is exclusively a top? (Btw, is is possible that Brian dabbles in the scene? Among other moments, that scene with the cop seems to suggest so.)

(Can I be puerile again and mention how good Brian looks in leather pants? If you're curious what Justin thought about them, read my [strictly literary take](http://archiveofourown.org/works/880951).)

So on to one of Brian's most asshole-ish moments: he returns to the loft to find Melanie upset that Justin was about to give Gus hot milk. She proceeds to rip Brian a new one for putting his needs above his infant son's. Brian turns into a wolf backed into a corner by a hunter. Mel says she's taking Gus home (where exactly is that?). "No, you're not," he tells her. "This is his home - at least for this weekend." "Sorry," Mel replies. "But your privileges are revoked." Brian turns vicious. "Don't tell me what my 'privileges' are!" he shouts. "I'm his father. Who are _you_?" It's a really ugly moment. If Mel had punched him in the face, she'd be well within her rights. Again, Jack 2.0.

(Another observation: remember when Brian told Justin that he wasn't his boyfriend, he wasn't his lover, he wasn't even his friend? "You're no one to me," he'd said. In this scene he says the exact opposite. When Mel accuses him of pawning Gus off onto "anyone," Brian snaps back, "hey, Justin's not 'anyone.'" Congratulations, Sunshine! You're a "someone" to the man who's fucking you.)

(Another observation: Ted gets made fun of by pretty much everyone for being predictable - and reliable - especially by Brian who'd recently showed himself to be anything but.)

That night, Brian goes to see Jack (at a house that could be my second-generation-immigrant grandparents' in blue-collar Greenfield, MA). Jack is moving boxes obviously in preparation for dying(!). He pulls out a bowling ball and throws it to Brian who catches it. Jack reminds him of when Brian was eight or nine and used to go bowling with him. Brian's scoffed acknowledgement makes sense when we see in a future episode that Jack was always drunk and once he'd called Brian and Michael "fairies" when they hugged each other. What comes after is almost too painful to watch. Brian takes a deep breath and tells Jack he's gay. Jack's response: "Well, you've picked a hell of fucking time to tell me you're a fairy. As if I don't have enough to deal with. Jeez! You're the one who should be dying instead of me." And that's when any lingering flicker of hope that he'd connect with his father before he dies is snuffed out in Brian's heart. He grabs Jack and almost takes a swing at him probably in imitation of the swings Jack had taken at him when he was a kid. "But I'm not dying, you selfish old prick. You are," he says with a smile and leaves without looking back.

Later (the next day?), Lindsay's in the middle of ripping Brian another new one for being a shitty father. Cue Jack stage right. He tries to give Brian a picture of the two of them together when Brian was a baby, and then (in a very Brian-like way) undermines the gesture by acknowledging the only reason he's smiling is because it's a photograph and "isn't that what you're supposed to do?" Brian throws it on the floor and walks upstairs to the bedroom. That's almost the end of it, but then Jack sees Lindsay and speaks kindly to her. He tells her, with obvious sincerity, that she has a beautiful son. It's a painful moment because Jack had had a beautiful baby son too - a son he'd never treated as anything special, anything precious. It might've been something in Jack's voice that triggers it, but Brian unexpectedly decides to tell Jack that Lindsay's "beautiful son" is his grandson. Jack is freaked out, but then Lindsay asks if he wants to hold Gus. He reaches out and, gingerly with an awed expression, takes Gus in his arms. I've always wondered what Brian feels in that moment. Peace or an even greater sadness and an even greater sense of loss than he had before. 

(One last observation: Justin is called "baby" twice in this episode - first by Mel and then by Deb. Clearly that's how they see him. What does that make them think about Brian - if only subconsciously?)


	20. "Congratulations.  You just made yourself a REAL enemy"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, episode 16

First of all, can I just say how hot Dyke Night at Babylon is? Damn! Melanie doesn't seem out of place, but can you imagine Lindsay there? *brain explodes* Although it might do our closeted straight girl some good - as in remind her that she's (supposedly) a lesbian. Just sayin'. Lindsay is as gay as I am, which means not at all. The more I re-watch the show, the more I don't believe that she's even bisexual. And I _don't_ think it's an acting issue on Thea's part; I think it's the closeted straight character she plays. Also it drives me crazy that Melanie (who's hot as hell) is hung-up on Lindsay in a very dysfunctional way. That relationship is _not_ healthy. I'm not sure if CowLip intended that or not.

Fast-forward to Brian driving Justin to school. This is one of my top five favorite Brian & Justin scenes in the whole show. Justin tells Brian he got a 1500 on his SATs (out of a possible 1600). It's a damn good score, and it really could get him into any university in the country, including Harvard. Admission to neither Dartmouth nor Brown have an SAT requirement that high. In other words, Brian is right: Justin seriously kicked some ass on his SATs. The likelihood of him going out-of-state is high. Ambitious academic achievers like Justin would be applying to Ivy League Schools of which only one is in Pennsylvania - The University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia, which, despite being in-state, is a five-hour drive from Pittsburgh. 

This is, imo, the first scene that makes it unambiguously clear to both Justin and us - the viewers - that Brian has feelings for him. When Justin starts listing the out-of-state universities he's applying for, Brian reflexively says "you're going out of state?" The implication is clear. Brian is alarmed. He doesn't want Justin to leave. Why? Well, because, as Justin says, he gives a shit. Justin, of course, mocks him for it, which is quite funny. But it's a wise move. The moment after Brian says "you're going out of state" is very important. Brian has revealed his hand so to speak. If Justin had treated it seriously, Brian would've freaked out. Instead, even though Justin knows Brian's question is a super big deal, he makes light of it, letting Brian off the hook and insuring that he isn't embarrassed or ashamed that he'd let his guard down for a second. It's actually a very sweet moment and a crucial one for the development of Brian and Justin's relationship. Justin _knows_ now that Brian cares about him. That's HUGE!

BTW, for those canon-anal-writer-types (like me), this scene clearly takes place just before Christmas - probably around the 20th (note the wreathes on people's porches), which means Justin turned 18 sometime before December 20th. Since it was snowing in the scene with Melanie and Brian at the restaurant in episode 14 in which Justin tells Brian he'll soon be turning 18, I'm going to guess that Justin's birthday is sometime between November 21st and December 20th. Snow rarely falls in significant amounts in Pennsylvania until the time of Thanksgiving which is the last Thursday in November. Which also means that Justin first started developing a crush on Ethan around December 20th of the following year. In light of that fact, it makes me think that Justin started cheating on Brian in early February (although I don't think he actually left Brian until late March). It also means that Justin was at least 22 years & 3 months-old at the end of the show, which, btw, is SUPER YOUNG! (See every story I've ever written with Justin in it.) I am currently teaching first-year law students who are that age. They're young and immature - believe me! So keep that in mind before being too hard on Justin at the end of the show. My students are very much still kids. I'd smack them all upside their heads if they decided to settle down. Give Justin a break for wanting to go to New York!

Okay, the French Guy. Let's just put this on the table: he's hot . . . . Lindsay is totally into him. Seriously. Otherwise why would he have taken Melanie's place (or, more like it, why would Lindsay have given it to him)? The Straight Girl surfaces once again. This is the "Hello, Lindsay Is Straight" episode. And Brian is jealous. Lindsay must be in Lindsay Heaven.

I like Lindsay, but she really pisses me off during the whole French Guy arc, especially when she pulls a righteous snit in the scene in the park with Brian. But I'll talk about that in the next post.

Okay, the next scene. The boys (and Mel) are at Woody's. Remember how Mel and Brian were at each other's throats in the last episode? They're partners in crime again (I love minutes 23:31 and 24:29! I have a fondness for Melanie&Brian moments.) Also, for you unfathomable Ted-Haters out there, Brian finds Ted's high-brow humor amusing (as he always does) at minute 23:54. Like Ted or not, he and Brian get each other on an intellectual level. Ted's quip would've gone right over Mikey's head (as did Ted's Arthur Miller allusion in episode 10.) If you haven't noticed yet, I am a huge Ted fan :)

Small observation that was touched upon in comments on previous posts: Brian tells a story about having been bullied and then assaulting the bully quite violently. Some of you suggested Brian might be telling a tall tale because he wanted to set himself apart from Ted and Emmett who mentioned incidents in which they'd been bullied. I agreed until I watched this scene again. When Ted and Emmett tell their tales of being bullied, Brian clinks his bottle against theirs in solidarity. The implication is that he too has been bullied and knows what it's like (or at least can sympathize). His story is more of a communal victory than a personal one. 

As for the next scene so famous with all the Brian/Justin fans out there (Brian giving Justin "marketing advice" while they're in bed together) - _this_ is why Brian/Justin become THE focus of the show. Their chemistry is fucking amazing. The sexy playfulness . . . you can't script this stuff. But for Brian  & Justin's natural, effortless chemistry, QaF would've been a different show all together. Gale and Randy make one of the best onscreen couples of all time - even though the relationship they portray is pretty dysfunctional. They make us root for it anyway. Being a somewhat reluctant Brian/Justin fan, I'll be the first to say that the only reason why I am a fan at all is because of their chemistry. It's awesome. I remember being blown-away by it the first time I watched the show and not just because Brian and Justin are gay. Gale and Randy knock it out of the park, gay or straight or in-between.

But my favorite scene in episode 16 is when Justin confronts Chris Hobbs. It's a very satisfying scene, and Emmett's remark ("You go, baby") speaks for us, the viewers, as well, but Brian can see what _really_ happened. Justin just made himself a dangerous enemy. Hobbs oozes hatred from every pore in that scene. Brian's response to Justin's actions wipes the triumphant smile off Justin's face. I think Justin thought, after Brian's story about smashing the jock's fingers in his locker, that Brian would be proud of him. But Brian shows no pride or admiration. He clearly thinks Justin did something stupid and reckless - and scary.


	21. "You Never Asked Me"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are great! We got over 100 comments on the last post! Plus, there are a whole bunch of new folks who've started the discussion from the beginning and are leaving some really interesting comments (welcome, Neomeris, Daisybelle, JKazz & KayT). I'm way behind in replying to people - bear with me. I read _all_ of your comments with great interest and am more than thrilled that this venture is going so well. Thanks, everyone!
> 
> I also want to say something really important: I will often be critical of Justin (as I am of Brian). This does _not_ mean that I dislike Justin or that I don't believe in his and Brian's relationship. Please keep that in mind as you read. I'm not a B/J hater. I'm just pointing out what I see. PLEASE feel more than free to disagree with me!! In fact, I _want_ you to!

I'm hard-pressed to say which scene between Brian and Justin is the sexiest, but their make-out session during Michael's tedious slideshow of his trip to Paris with David makes the top five. Yes, fucking is hot, but for some reason just making-out is even more so. I need to have something handy nearby to fan myself with during this scene. It's beyond hot.I can almost feel Brian's tongue . . . . Omg! Fray! Shut up! TMI! No one wants to know about your personal life!

And one of Deb's best lines takes place during this scene:

Michael: "Try the Bree"  
Deb: "It tastes like come. Where's the cheddar?"

Hahahahahahahahaha!!! I laugh every time I hear it, and given how many times I re-watch Brian and Justin making-out, that's saying something indeed.

Okay. Serious stuff. Brace yourself everyone; this is perhaps Lindsay and Brian's most fucked-up scene. At least it makes the top five. Apparently, this is an episode of Top Five's.

Setting: Lindsay is in her bedroom examining her wedding gown in the mirror. Brian is sprawled across her bed in a tux-like suit (uhm, is this a work day?) And I hate to mention it, but I'm sorry, I can't help it: Gale has the most beautiful hands I have ever seen. 

Lindsay (looking in the old-fashion oval mirror): So, what do you think?  
Brian (lounging on her bed): It's like a movie . . . a horror movie.  
Lindsay: Guillaume has to fit it for me. He's great with a needle and thread.  
Brian: Is there anything he can't do?  
Lindsay: Charm my friends.  
Brian: You know, I didn't know he was trying.  
Guillaume enters the room.  
Brian: Ah, isn't it Coco Chanel?  
Guillaume: Company. Aren't we lucky.  
Brian rolls his eyes and positions himself even more sexily than before.  
Lindsay: What do _you_ think?  
Guillaume: Well, it'll take a lot of work, but you'll be a vision by the time I'm through.  
Brian: (looks appalled just as he had in the previous scene with Michael and his new gold Miata.)  
Lindsay: Thanks, Gui.  
Gus: Crying in the background.  
Brian: (getting off the bed.) I'll get him.  
Guillaume: It's Gus. It's alright, he's used to me.  
Brian: (huffs derisively.) So what is the groom going to be wearing?  
Lindsay: A very conservative, very traditional black tux. We can't take any chances. It has to look real.  
Brian: (rolls his eyes.) This is a fucking farce!  
Lindsay: You don't have to lose your temper!  
Brian: Why not? You've lost your mind.  
Lindsay and Brian position themselves so that they're side-by-side, looking into the mirror (btw, this is _exactly_ the same pose Brian and Justin are in at the end of season five, when Justin is looking at himself in the mirror, trying on a suit for their wedding, and Brian says he looks beautiful).  
Lindsay: I'd never thought I'd see myself in one of these.Although now and then I must admit I often dreamed of being a bride. I suppose it's true. Even dykes can't escape _that_ fantasy.  
Brian: (Sighs.) Although you're marrying the. wrong. person.  
Lindsay: You never asked me.

Alright. Wait a minute. Take a deep breath and think about this for a moment. Put aside any Lindsay-loathing you may feel. This is a truly heartbreaking moment. This is _the_ moment that she tells Brian that she is in love with him. Look at them - they're standing in front of the mirror looking _very_ much like a bride and groom (and I don't think for a second that Cowlip didn't intend to make this moment look like a portrait of a newly married couple.) My heart bleeds for Lindsay in this moment. Her desire for Brian is so nakedly evident. _He_ is the one she'd dreamed of marrying - not FG and not even Melanie. But then Brian shatters the moment and steps out of the frame of the mirror,

Brian: I mean Melanie.

You can almost feel Lindsay's resignation. She can't have Brian. She never will. It makes me sad for her that her greatest dream is unattainable. Anyone who yearns for an unattainable future has my deepest sympathies. I know the feeling.

Fast forward to one of Michael's most annoying scenes (although his annoying-ness is the point, so being annoyed with Michael in this scene is canon - LOL!) Michael's polishing his new car and talking about "Bobo and Melicent." Brian's words drip with derision. But the really interesting thing about this scene is that Brian tells Michael that his fancy car and expensive clothes and trip to Paris is "boring," and then he tells Michael that _he's_ boring - that he's turning into a snot. Irony alert: Brian is always telling Michael to grow up and get a life, but when he does, Brian is contemptuous (and threatened). Also, Brian, himself, is the Ultimate Snot. He claims that Michael is acting like he's too good for his friends; Brian always acts like he's too good for his friends. Michael aspires to having nice things; nice things are _essential_ to Brian's self-esteem. And what about the almost-job-offer in NYC? He was more than ready to ditch the Pitts and the people there who love him. The people in the NYC agency are smart; NYC is exciting; he'd make big bucks; who gives a shit if he leaves his friends behind. They were just a way of filling time while he waiting for the future that he was meant to have. Talk about a snot! So often with his friends, Brian is a pot calling the kettle black - and with no hint of introspection or irony. Snot is actually a generous description - hypocrite is more like it.

I LOVE the next scene Brian is in - Debbie and the boys find out Dr. David Cameron and Mr. Michael Novotny are hosting a party for a senator. Of course, Deb and the others think they'll be invited, but Brian reads the situation correctly: they won't be invited. Michael is embarrassed by them. The whole scene is hilarious. Then, of course, there's the Party Crashing Scene. It's _so_ satisfying and so much fun. Ted and Emmett are at their best, and I love Brian's "Jersey Shore" accent. Also, you've got to admire how Dr. Dave handles it all. He's delightfully zen; it's his Missus who's freaking out.

Later Brian encounters Guillaume in a grocery store. Guillaume has Gus. Brian makes it clear who's Gus's Daddy. It's a pretty straight-forward scene. The thing I find interesting about it is that Brian is in a setting we never see him in. Being a normal professional on his lunch break. I'm not sure why, but I find it intriguing. As a writer, it causes me to imagine what Brian is like in other normal settings - an auto-body shop, a dry-cleaner's, a video store, a drug store, the dentist, a hair salon, etc. We'd see a different side of him - Mundane!Brian.

The one non-straight forward thing about this scene is the trading of veiled threats - including a threat from Guillaume that he's thinking about adopting Gus. Brian is clearly shaken by the exchange, and it clearly influences his later decision to give up his parental rights for Melanie.

That night, Brian hits the booze. This is one of my favorite Brian scenes. He's struggling. He doesn't want to give up his rights, but he's torn. I think that at the end of the day, Brian decided to do what he believed was right for his son.But his reasoning is so sad - he believes he's a shitty father, cut from the same cloth as Jack. He believes Gus will be better off without him even though he says for the first time that he loves his son. This is Brian unvarnished and real - and he's revealing himself to Justin. It's a sign of trust and a desire to hear Justin's opinion on a situation that's tearing him apart . . . . . .

. . . . that said . . . Justin! WTF?!! First he was furious that Brian was thinking of giving up his parental rights; now he's telling him he should because Lindsay needs a partner and Brian will never be a full-time parent. Okay, yes, that makes sense. But, really, Justin? Brian lets you in and not only do you change your advice from Episode nine, you make him feel guilty! This is perhaps my biggest issue with Justin: he's incredibly, wildly inconsistent when it comes to Brian. That inconsistency is a theme right up to the very end. I know why. Justin is young, and his opinions change with the phase of the moon, but still . . . this is a big fucking deal. Is it that he feels his role in Brian's life should be that of a devil's advocate?

Pet Peeve Alert: Justin tells Brian he's the most mature person Brian knows. Really?? This is one of the things that drives me crazy about the maniacal Brian/Justin fans: they take Justin's remark as the truth and what the writers intended. Bullshit. Justin is _not_ the most mature person Brian knows. Imo, that title goes to Emmett. Emmett is more mature than Justin will ever be. Just because Justin _thinks_ he's the most mature person Brian knows, in reality, he isn't. And he won't be at any point in the show. That's what post-5-13 fics are for - forcing Justin to grow the hell up. I also think that Brian, himself, is more mature than Justin in some ways. Yes, they're _equally_ immature when it comes to a number of things, including relationships (this is the first one for both of them). But Brian has gone through a lot more than Justin has. He's learned a lot of hard lessons and overcome a lot of obstacles. Yes, Justin is _starting_ to learn life lessons and overcome obstacles, but as far as we know he hasn't done either before he came out. Hardship is a new presence in Justin's life. Please feel very free to disagree with me, but I believe that wisdom (and maturity) comes from attending the School of Hard Knocks. Justin's life has been absolutely cushy compared to Brian's. But, as always, Justin just doesn't get how difficult Brian's life has been.

That said, I love the physical affection Justin shows Brian in this scene. It's very touching.

But Justin's "killing with kindness" concept is one of the reasons Brian literally throws down the papers that sever his right to parent Gus as though he's finally throwing something away that he'd known he must for a long time. Yes, it's a "generous gift" but Brian gives the gift because he feels cornered by Lindsay's impending marriage - and his perceived unfitness as a father. This is as much a moment of defeat as it is hope.

I love the last scene between Brian and Justin. It's wonderfully intimate. Yes, it's foreshadowing. I'm fine with that. But Brian says some interesting things: first he says that the senator is using Justin for money and votes - knowledge obviously gleaned from his profession. But then he says something surprising.I don't know what to make of it, and I'd love to hear your thoughts. Brian tells Justin that he can't rest on his laurels. He has to keep fighting - because if you stop fighting, you're dead. Wow! Juxtaposed with Brian's decision to stop fighting for his parental rights, his words are . . . . . . . . . . what do you guys think? 


	22. "They Create Their Own Pain, Just Like Everybody Else"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, episode 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so behind on replying to comments that it's comical. It's nice to see you guys talking amongst yourselves though. It makes me happy in an unhappy time. Don't worry; it might take me a couple of weeks, but my goal is to reply to everyone's comments :)

Hi guys,

Sorry to have disappeared off the radar. I just got fired from the first job I've had in more than a year - a job that I was absolutely in love with - for a one stupid mistake that could've been easily fixed except that someone needed to be thrown under the bus and, well, that person was me. I'm heartbroken about the whole thing and staggering around emotionally. Which means it was the worst time imaginable to get yet another shitty comment on my most recent story, which, in a giant huff, I deleted. Not one of my most mature moments, but then we can't all be rational all the time. Everyone's allowed a hissy-fit now and then . . .

. . . anyway, enough about me. Let's get back to Mr. Kinney.

I don't know if it's me, but I find this episode uninspiring when it comes to Brian. I think the one thing that really stands out for me is the scene at Emmett's apartment where they're hanging out and eating pizza. Michael is Really Upset by his discovery that David had been to the baths. Ted and Emmett sympathize with him and urge him to break-up with David because Michael deserves someone who cherishes him. Predictably, Brian is totally contemptuous of the whole situation. Big deal, so David went to the baths? Emmett responds, saying that Brian, as usual, could be counted on to make some "vile homophobic crack"

Brian: Homophobic?  
Emmett: You're saying that just because we’re gay, it’s impossible for us to have a loving, loyal relationship?  
Brian: Not because we’re gay – because we’re men.

I find this to be one of the most . . . telling conversations in the whole show. Maybe it's just me, but I see in Brian's words a weird kind of solidarity with _all_ men, gay or straight. And, of course, it's an example of just how relentlessly misogynistic he is. He'd rather "side" with straight men over women and their "lesbionic" ways (straight or not). He'd rather hang-out with a Man's Man like Stockwell, despite his being straight. And he's fixated on making Justin the best homosexual he can be (that theme raises it's annoying head again at the very end of the episode while he's mocking Justin for his distress over his parents' divorce). When Brian uses the term "homosexual," he is definitely not taking gay women into account. To be the best "homosexual" you can be is to be a man. Later on in the episode, Brian tells Michael to either break-up with Dr. David or not but to stop wringing his hands about it "like a betrayed little housewife."

Wow. Brian dislikes women - and what's more, I bet his Old Man does too. Just another way he's his father's son.

But Brian does say something really interesting in addition to his "because we're men" comment. He tells Michael that instead of freaking out that David goes to the baths now and then, they should "establish rules." Michael says he doesn't want rules, he wants monogamy, to which Brian replies irritably: "Fine," he says. "End it all over a hand job."

He's right, of course. But it's interesting to see him even suggesting the idea of "rules" at all.

Okay, what else . . . oh, that exchange with the hairy, pudgy guy in the baths - it cracks me up every time I watch it:

Marty: Brian! What brings you here tonight to the circle of hell  
Brian: I was reading Gorky and got a taste for the lower depths  
Marty: See anything interesting?  
Brian: The tall redhead in 27 with the black leather dildo?  
Marty: Yeah, him. He’s definitely a possibility – for later  
Brian: Other than that, it’s pretty much all mark-downs  
Marty: Well, if you get into anything, give me a holler. I’ll be happy to stick a finger in your ass and suck on your balls while you fuck him  
Brian: You’re a real pal, Marty

LOL!!!! One wonders how those two met and struck up some kind of . . . uhm, I don't know . . . friendship of a kind? It's a weird scenario to imagine.

Brian's speech at the end to Justin about being a man and doing what he wants and not what his parents expect of him is a great scene. How often do we get to see Brian looking and talking that passionately? Brian feels strongly about Justin's future and gives him a hearty metaphorical shove in the direction of his dreams. Dreams that he _always_ encourages - or at least doesn't stand in the way of. And that includes Justin's decision to leave him for Ethan. I know we're not there yet, but for me Brian's first true declaration of love to Justin is the remark he makes in Lindsay and Mel's bathroom. Justin is annoyed because Brian has barged in without knocking while he's taking a piss. Brian predictably replies that "it's nothing he hasn't seen before." Justin zips up hastily and is just about to leave when Brian looks at him and says with obvious sincerity that he hopes Justin finds what he's looking for. If Justin had been listening (which he wasn't), he would've heard "I love you and always will" in Brian's words. But Justin, as we know, is someone who needs things spelled out, while Brian, as we know, is pathologically unable (or unwilling) to give Justin what he needs so much - even though he knows damn well what it is.


	23. "You Look So Fine"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, episode 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's true. I'm going out of order, I know. But episode 19 is _so_ heavy, and I can't handle heavy right now in my new jobless state. So, I jumped ahead to the "The King of Babylon" episode which never fails to cheer me up. My next post will be on episode 19.

This is one of my favorite Brian & Justin episodes. It makes me feel all warm & fuzzy every time I watch it (which is a lot). I do have to tolerate the dreaded David-dancing-in-ripped-jeans scene and the annoying arc with Emmett and his "true love" (the first time I saw it, I thought it was funny - now it bugs the crap out of me), but it's worth it to watch Brian Kinney eat some serious crow.

And, man, does he deserve it in this episode! He's Freaked Out because everyone thinks he and Justin are a couple (not that he doesn't want his cake and eat it too or anything like that). This is one of those times that he makes Justin pay for his own insecurities, and it's not a good look on him. My heart always squeezes up when he basically tells Justin he's the back-up plan for the night. We're not a couple, he tells Justin, and Justin punches back: "Then what are we, Brian?" he asks angrily. Brian looks him in the eyes and says "well, I don't know about you, but I'm single."

Jesus, he can be such a fucking dick! (Quick aside: remember in episode 18, when he tells David after seeing him at the baths that he doesn't care if David fucks other guys, but added almost threateningly that David could do what he likes as long as he doesn't hurt Michael. Interesting. So, Brian doesn't want David hurting Michael by fucking around under Michael's nose. What the hell does he think he's doing to Justin? His intention is to hurt Justin - to make Justin pay for his (Brian's) issues. It's not the first time he's done this kind of thing (HotLanta, anyone?) but it's still shockingly cruel.)

So how satisfying is it that Justin turns the tables on him? I _love_ it! Brian's look when Justin starts dancing is priceless. He's so jealous he can hardly stand it. I actually find myself grinning and rubbing my hands together. And of course I love it when Justin steals Brian's trick. But my favorite moment, is when Brian goes looking for Justin in the backroom. He's not there for himself - he's solely there to see what Justin's doing. The combination of the lighting and the music and the powerfully erotic glimpses of Justin fucking "Shawn" is intense, moody . . . perfect. And Brian's face - it's Gale's expressions that are perhaps the difference between us liking - and even sympathizing - with Brian and loathing him. Brian is clearly very affected by the sight of Justin with another guy. His expression is hard to describe - helpless and hurting is the best description I can come up with. Brian has his world rattled. It would be fascinating to know what happened afterward. I have a feeling Brian didn't sleep a wink that night . . .

. . . which brings us to the next morning at the diner. It's surprising that Brian reveals so much of his feelings. It makes me think that they're just too overwhelming for him to hide. I love the way Justin rubs it in and strings Brian along through every detail, and I love even more the expression of relief and fondness on Brian's face when Justin tells him that he told Shawn that he could see Justin in his dreams.

I don't think I'm reading too much into it when I say that this is the episode when the thought that maybe they really are a couple tickles at the edges of Brian's mind. Even Justin couldn't have missed how uncomfortable Brian was while he was telling the boys about his night. It goes a long way toward making up for the shitty way Brian had treated him the night before.

*snap!*


	24. My Favorite Episode in the Whole Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, episode 19

Episode 19. This is my favorite episode in the whole show. Writing about it in anything less than 100 pages will be difficult so I’m going to break out of a narrative format and use topic headings.

 **Sex:** Have we seen yet that Brian uses sex like a drug to distract himself from things that hurt or upset him? I guess we see that a little bit in episode 3 when he’s struggling with the decision to take Ted off life support, but I think episode 19 is when it becomes 100% obvious. In the first scene, he’s having a threesome when the phone rings. Jack’s dead. Brian hangs up and throws himself back into the midst of things, closing his eyes with a groan. When one of the guys asks if everything’s okay, Brian says “yeah, somebody died.” The guys are shocked and think they should leave. Brian asks them “who told you to stop?” His tone is dark – almost amused. He knows what he’s doing. I wonder if he’s thinking to himself, “Yeah, that’s right, old man. While you were shuffling off this mortal coil I was ‘being a fairy.’” But then in the very last second before the scene changes, he opens his eyes. He’s a million miles away. He might as well have just mainlined heroin. 

The next night, there’s Brian at Babylon. He walks over to the boys at the bar, washes a pill down with a swig of beer, snarks at them, and then heads straight to the backroom, much to the boys’ disgust. Shouldn’t he be planning his dad’s funeral? But clearly that was what Brian had spent his day doing. Now it’s nighttime. The backroom is eerie, a kind of nowhere-land full of naked writhing bodies. Brian finds a guy, pulls off his t-shirt (which is unusual for him, is there another scene you can think of in which Brian takes off his shirt in public?) leans back against a pole and closes his eyes when the guy goes down on him. Enter Michael:

Michael: What are you doing?  
Brian: [sneering] I’m looking for a fourth for bridge.  
Michael: How can you even think about sex right now?  
Brian: Death gives you a real hard-on.  
Michael: Look, let me take you home.  
Brian: [ignores him and gets into the blow job]  
Michael: Jesus, Brian! Your dad just died! How can you think about getting your dick sucked?  
Brian: [looks down at the guy giving him head] This is my grief counselor.  
Michael: [leaves, appalled]  
Brian: [lets himself go completely, eyes closed, mouth open, amidst the drug-scape of the backroom’s lighting & décor]

He means it when he said the guy blowing him was helping him to deal with his emotions – or _not_ deal with them rather. As an aside, I’m surprised Michael finds Brian’s behavior so shocking. He must know that Brian deals with pain by having sex. It shouldn’t be a newsflash.

Later, and most alarming, Brian tries to have sex with Michael after his dad’s funeral. When Michael stops him, Brian asks darkly what’s wrong? Wasn’t being fucked by him all Michael had ever wanted? Michael replies “What? A drunken fuck so you don’t have to think about your dad? I never wanted that.” It’s a terribly sad moment on a number of levels. First, it’s Brian’s use of sex to prevent having to deal with his emotions at its most extreme – can you imagine if they’d actually fucked? What a disaster! Their friendship would’ve been over. It would become yet another way that Jack Kinney – inadvertently or not - fucked up his son’s life. Second, what a horrible way for Michael to realize that Brian knows he wants them to have sex. It’s an open secret, but clearly, before that moment, neither of them had actually spoken about it. What a horrible parody of Michael’s dream it would’ve been if he’d let Brian follow through on his advances!

 **ETA:** An interesting observation - I don't think there's a single sex scene between Brian and Justin in which it appears that Brian is using sex to check-out of reality. He always seems very much present and mentally and emotionally _there_. He seems to be enjoying sex for sex's sake and having fun. Perhaps that's one of the reasons that sex is so central to and important in their relationship.

 **Justin?** The central question in this episode is where the hell is Justin? He’s at the diner when Brian tells the boys that Jack died.

Ted: Hey, anyone want to go see that new Matt Damon movie tomorrow? I was reading on a chatroom last night that there’s a dick shot in it. Brief, but nonetheless . . . Dick.  
Emmett: Yeah, totally.  
Michael: I’m there. [He calls to Brian who is sitting alone in another booth] What about you?  
Brian: I can’t; I have family stuff.  
Michael: What? Your sister fighting with her ex-husband again?  
Brian: My dad died.  
[Everyone goes silent.]  
Michael: Your . . . your dad?  
Ted: When?  
Brian: Yesterday. [Brian swallows – every time Brian swallows, looks aside, sniffles, clears his throat or his voice cracks in this show, he’s on the verge of tears]  
Justin: I’m really sorry.  
Brian: He was sick. It was time.  
Justin: Yeah, but he’s your _dad_.  
Brian: [angrily] I said I’m fine.  
[Everyone looks at each other silently. Brian sniffles and takes a sip of coffee. He looks up at Justin with a “Yeah? Gotta problem?” expression. Justin regards him for a second, then rolls his eyes and turns away. ]

This exchange answers the question of “where is Justin?” Every time Brian has brought up his father (or fatherhood) in front of Justin, Justin has been critical of him in one way or another. Justin simply does not understand the situation between Brian and Jack. Every time fathers come up as a topic, Justin is thinking of his own father and their ruined relationship (which he must surely be mourning). Brian doesn’t want to deal with Justin’s issues right now. He doesn’t want to try to explain (again) that Jack was abusive; he doesn’t want to get into the whole “but he’s your dad” argument again, and he probably wants to spare Justin the pain of thinking about how the death of his own recently estranged father will one day affect him. I think Brian probably demanded rather meanly that Justin leave him alone and stay away from the burial and wake. So, there’s that mystery settled.

So, I guess that’s why the next time we see Justin at Woody’s hanging out with Brian and the boys he doesn’t mention Brian’s dad. Brian probably already gave him some kind of nasty ultimatum should Justin try to talk about Jack again. There are no more scenes of Brian and Justin together during the rest of the episode.

It would be unfair, however, to say that Justin is the only one who simply doesn’t get the truth about Brian and Jack. Even Michael doesn’t. Twice in the episode, he chastises Brian about behaving inappropriately. After they return to the loft after Brian trashes his dad’s wake, Michael yells at him.

Michael: You should apologize!  
Brian: For what?  
Michael: You know damn well! He was your dad! Even though he wasn’t always nice to you, when you die you deserve a little bit of respect.  
Brian: Bullshit. If you don’t earn respect while you’re alive, you don’t deserve it when you’re dead.

By saying that "maybe your dad wasn’t always nice to you," Michael is echoing Deb’s words in episode 15 when she told Brian that “even though you think your father never loved you” he should tell Jack he’s gay before he dies. It’s absolutely clear that Michael and Deb have no idea at all what was really going on in the Kinney household. Apparently nobody did/does. And to the small extent Brian alluded to his abuse to Justin, Justin didn’t get it either. It’s astounding that even the people closest to Brian don’t know the perhaps single-most important thing that explains much of who he is and why he does what he does. Maybe if Justin had known the extent of Brian’s emotional and physical abuse, things would’ve been different between them. It’s one of the ways in which Brian and Justin’s relationship got off to a bad start. Should they end up together at some point in the future, I think a conversation about Brian's childhood would be absolutely necessary. How can Justin really understand Brian without having that conversation?

The fact that even Michael, Deb and Justin don’t know about the truth of Brian’s childhood and the way it has shaped him makes his revelation to Ted in Season Five so momentously huge. Brian tells Ted something he’s never told anyone else. If anything convinces me that they become close friends after that, it’s the fact that Brian opened himself up so much to Ted. He clearly trusts him in a way he’s never trusted anyone else – including his best friend and lover.

 **Joanie Kinney:** Minute 11:45. This is the first time we meet Brian’s mom. Her husband of at least 31 years is dead, yet she’s worried about whether there should be sugar packets or cubes at the wake. Brian’s contempt melts my DvD – he clearly deeply dislikes her (if not actually _hates_ her). This is obviously in perfect keeping with his view of her character over the years – worried about appearances and nothing else. Cold. Clearly capable of emotional cruelty. Lynne Deragon, the actress who plays Joan, kicks ass in her few scenes. She and the writers should be commended for not overplaying Joan and turning her into a caricature. She’s actually a rather complex character – as is Jack. 

After the sugar issue is settled, Joan tells Brian he can take what he wants of Jack’s things before Goodwill arrives to take it all away the next day. Even Brian seems taken aback by the total absence of grief or sentimentality. She responds to his surprise by saying “Well, I don’t like to see things lying around. You know that.” She sees Brian holding Jack’s bowling ball. “Your father spent more time with that than he did with me,” she says stonily. 

Wow. (And the use of “your father” rather than “Jack” is interesting – she seems to almost imply that Jack’s presence in her life was Brian’s fault. Both of his parents seem to blame him – and probably Claire too – for forcing them to live in each other’s detested presence.)

When Joan leaves the room, Michael lets out a held breath.

Michael: I forgot what it was like in your house.  
Brian: Yeah, that’s why I was always at yours.

 

 **Claire:** God, Claire is a truly pathetic figure. I actually feel sorry for her. She probably has most (or maybe even more) of Brian’s issues, but she clearly hasn’t managed to escape the radius of the Kinney family dysfunction. She is still totally defined by it. Brian hates her, and her mom clearly dislikes her and belittles her in front of others (there Joan was worried about sugar cubes versus packets but thinks nothing of making her guests cringe when she chastises Claire for crying). Yet, she is still clinging to the pathetic mirage that they’d been a happy family – calling Jack “daddy,” even though Brian said Jack hated her (probably even more than he disliked Brian). He probably even told Brian as much himself. After all, Claire was clearly the real reason Jack had to marry Joan. She sobs loudly at the otherwise silent burial. Brian says she’s doing it for attention . . . I don’t know. Maybe he’s partially right, but, like Brian himself, I think she’s mourning the impossibility of ever having been able to have a relationship with her father. I think Brian hates her as much as he does because she is an embodiment of how he, himself, feels about their childhood. He’d be a mess like her but for his relentless efforts to keep his family at a distance. There’s an element of “there but for the grace of God go I” to his relationship to poor, wretched Claire.

Assuming Claire is less than five years older than Brian, she probably got married and had kids when she was right out of high school. One wonders whether it was out of a desperate desire to finally have a real family. If so, it’s very sad because we know she has since divorced her husband and they clearly hate each other – yes, another man in her life who should’ve loved her but instead can’t stand her. Her kids are brats because she hasn’t raised them well – clearly they don’t make her feel loved and valuable. What has the poor woman got? She’s in her early/mid 30s. What the hell is she going to do with her life? Who is ever going to love her? Comparing Brian’s life to hers, it’s obvious who’s better off. One doubts Claire had a Debbie-and-Michael in her childhood. Which is why Brian should feel grateful for them – yes, I know the relationships are problematic, but I think they’re one of the reasons Brian is Brian and not Claire. For this reason and others, I don’t wish Debbie and Michael out of Brian’s life. Clearly their presence was essential for his survival. No wonder he holds on so tightly to both of them!

 

 **The Burial and Wake:** Brian is very emotional at the burial. He’s not sobbing like Claire, but he’s clearly struggling to maintain his mask of indifference. This is Gale at his best – Brian says nothing at all to indicate the emotional turbulence inside him; we only know about it through his expressions. If a less skilled actor had played Brian, we might think what the others think (even Michael) – that Brian is being a cold-hearted shit who can’t even show a scrap of emotion even when his father dies. (Fortunately for Brian, he has a joint. Brian is never without some form of pain management.)

Everyone’s at the wake (except Justin and Deb – Jesus, thank God, Deb’s not there!) but Brian is sitting apart from them and everyone else, holding a bag with Jack’s bowling ball inside. The gang wants to leave, but Claire wants someone to say something nice about “daddy” before people depart. Lindsay makes a rather sad attempt, and the priest says he didn’t know Jack because he never went to Mass. (Check out Joan’s dark little smirk – it’s clear where Brian got his from.) Michael steps in dutifully and tells a touching story about Jack taking him and Brian bowling, and that when Brian knocked down all the pins, Jack picked him up and kissed him. It turns out, Michael misremembered the incident probably out of his desire to be part of a father-son moment. In reality, Brian had knocked down the pins and hugged and kissed Michael in excitement. Jack, with a beer in his hand at the bar, turns and sees them. “What are you?” he asked. “A couple of fairies?” And then he makes the universal “faggot” hand gesture. It was clearly just one of many moments in which Jack humiliated Brian in public. Brian ran off – not because he was embarrassed by his father’s affection as Michael had remembered, but because Jack had hurt and upset him (and probably hit a little too close to home with his remark).

Brian thanks Michael for his “lovely” speech and then makes one of his own, telling the appalled audience how Jack greeted the news of his conception with an order that Joan – good Catholic though she is – get an abortion. There is _no_ way he would’ve known this story in all its details if Joan hadn’t told him about it. Can you imagine hearing such a thing from your mother??

We only know about the fallout after Brian’s “lovely story” through a conversation between Ted and Emmett.

Ted: Talk about the funeral from Hell.  
Emmett: [chuckling] I will always remember his sister screaming “You shit! You shit!”  
Ted: [laughing] And father what’s-his-face carrying his mother up to her room.  
Emmett: They didn’t come down for like an hour. [they stop laughing] Do you think it’s really true, what his father said?  
Ted: Well, you know how Brian is always trying to shock everybody, but somehow I believe it.  
Emmett: Can you imagine growing up in that house? How’d he ever survive?  
Ted: Who says he did.

 

 **Bowling:** The final scenes of Brian and Michael are my favorite scenes in the whole show. Brian calls Michael at work and tells him to get his ass to the same bowling alley where they'd been that night with Jack. When Michael asks what’s going on, Brian replies that after hearing Michael’s touching story, he’d decided to come pay his respects to Jack Kinney. They bowl – Brian uses his dad’s ball. Michael sucks, and the men around them guffaw and call him a “fruitcake.” Brian looks around. You can practically hear the gears turning in his head trying to think of the perfect response. When he bowls, he knocks the pins down every time. On his last strike, he celebrates by grabbing Michael like he’d done all those years ago when he was fourteen (which, btw, was the age Brian was when he gave his gym teacher a blow job). He calls over to the stunned guys, “That’s right! The fucking fairies got a strike! The fucking fairies are jumping up and down . . . The fucking fairies are celebrating.” He dips Michael backwards and gives him a huge kiss to a chorus of shocked “Jesus Christ!”s 

And then he drives himself and Michael to the outer edges of the working class burb he’d grown up in. He’s wearing his dad’s old bowling shirt. It’s short sleeve, and it’s obviously freezing out. Michael has no idea what Brian is doing when Brian takes his dad’s bowling ball and rolls it into the darkness. He raises his arms triumphantly. “So long, Jack,” he says. “You son of a bitch.” He turns to Michael with one of the most open, raw, _real_ expressions we ever see on Brian's face and grabs Michael, clutching him, holding on tight. And then he starts to cry.

It’s my favorite damn scene in the whole damn show. I cry every time I watch it, and that’s why this post is 3.0k words long!! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many _many_ thank you's to Kellankyle for the (custom made!) gif!


	25. Vince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Queer as Folk, U.K., Season One, episode 1

I've been going on and on and on and on and on and on, etc. etc. about Vince. Vince is Michael in the U.K. version of Queer as Folk. I watched the U.K. version of QaF before I watched the American version and fell in love with Vince. He was my favorite character. He's funny, sweet, sharp and definitely Stuart's equal. Watch this. You'll have so much fun, and a lot of the stuff that goes on in the U.S. version in the pilot will make more sense. I have to confess that I like Vince more than Michael and Romey more than Lindsay (at least in the beginning; I grew to like Lindsay more because she's more of a character than Romey). I came to the U.S. version of QaF with the expectation that Michael would be like Vince. As you will see, I was mistaken.

I'd love to hear you guys's thoughts!!

P.S. Note the age differences. Stuart was 12 when he had his encounter with the gym teacher!!! And Nathan is 15. Can you imagine how that would've gone over in the U.S.?? Also note the kissing. More graphic than the U.S. version - the same with the rimming scene. Interesting. Did CowLip think a U.S. audience couldn't handle it? And another thing - notice Stuart goes down on the guy at the sales meeting. Do we ever see Brian going down on anyone except Justin? What do you think is up with that? (No pun intended, of course *g*)

And here's the next 10 minutes of the next episode. Nathan is a total bad-ass. (I prefer Justin, but they're so different that it's like comparing apples and oranges).


	26. If You Can Make it There, You'll Make it Anywhere - It's up to you, New York, New York!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, episode 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to KellanKyle for the lovely gifs!

Ah, Brian Kinney, Pittsburgh’s Ad Man of the Year (So what’s up with that? Is there an Ad Woman of the Year Award? . . . I’ve heard that advertising remains a male-dominated field but, c’mon). Anyway, Brian, Ad Man and Asshole Extraordinaire. Way to deliver the smack down to your young lover while he’s serving you and your friends. Why does he do things like that – it’s totally gratuitous. I guess he just feels he needs to put Justin in “his place.”

Minute 7:35. At the diner. Brian’s not just applied for the job in NYC, he’s been hired (in his mind at least). Justin comes to the table to pour them water.  
Justin: Have you seen the new waiter?  
[The boys check out Mr. California.]  
Emmett: Yowsza!  
Brian: You call that hot?  
Justin: [laughing] Yeah!  
Brian: At your age I guess you would.  
Michael: Oh, at your age you wouldn’t?  
Brian: [sounding bored] I’ve moved beyond that.  
Emmett: Yuh, since when?  
Brian: [looking smug] I did _the hottest_ guy in _days_. (Btw, said guy is _definitely_ not the hottest guy Brian has fucked.)  
Justin: [Looks hurt – had he been with Brian in the meantime because, if yes, Brian is just a jerk]  
Brian: He’s an ad exec from New York; he says I’m too good for Pittsburgh and that I’m wasting my time here. He thinks I should be there.  
Ted: I bet he says that to all the boys. (LOL! Go Ted!)  
Brian: He _said_ that there’s a job at his agency that I’d be perfect for. [Pauses to look at Justin] I faxed him my résumé.  
Michael: You’re not serious?  
Brian: You don’t think so?  
Justin: So if you get this job, you’re leaving.  
Brian: Not if, _when_.  
[Everyone looks at Justin who walks away. Brian shrugs disinterestedly with a “Take that, Sunshine” expression]

I think of this episode (and half of the next) as Brian’s last ditch effort to put the kibosh on his intensifying feelings for Justin, which of course means trying to shove Justin off a cliff. He doesn’t just plan to go to New York, he plans to rub Justin’s nose in it – and, oh boy, does he ever!

The next Brian scene is hard to watch. It chokes me up every time. Brian is packing for what’s probably an interview. Justin is with him, and he’s upset. He tells Brian he doesn’t want him to go and that he won’t be “just fine” if Brian does. Brian dispassionately tells Justin that he is going, and that he won’t think of Justin for a second after he leaves. His expression is deadly serious . . . I was also going to write “mean” just now, but it isn’t. Just like his words, his expression is flatly honest. 

Except he’s not being honest because then we watch him take Justin in his arms when Justin starts to cry. We’ve never seen him be so tender with Justin before. The camera lingers on Brian’s back, and then at the last moment we get to see his face. His expression is no longer a mask of indifference, it’s . . . hold on, let me see if I can do this, describing Brian’s expression is a difficult task: Okay, I’m going to need you guys to help me with this, because the only word I can come up with is “resigned.” This is the expression one wears when one turns away from the people they know and walks through security at the airport – or, even better, it’s the expression someone wears as the bus bound for someplace far away pulls out of the parking lot. Brian looks like he’s already said good-bye – for better or for worse. He’s not sad – he doesn’t even look sorry for having made Justin cry. It looks like he’s saying to himself, “Okay, you took that necessary step. It hurts, but it’s for the better.”

Does that make sense?

I think Brian genuinely wants to leave. Would he have gone if the job hadn’t fallen through? Yes, I think so. And he really _wouldn’t_ look back – that said, he’s full of shit when he says he won’t think of Justin. He’ll certainly _try_ not to, but he’ll fail. Not that he’d go back, though. It would feel like a failure to him. Success equals getting out of Pittsburgh (and going to NYC); he believes that right up to end – and always will, I think. New York City is a mythic place – making it there is the ultimate symbol of success (if you can make it there, you’ll make it anywhere). Brian wants to be the kind of person who can just pick up and leave – just like Justin eventually does. Living successfully in New York is something one _earns_ and thus deserves. So, to the extent that people don’t go to NYC, they’re all failures. Including Brian when he gets the phone call telling him the agency had hired someone else – a young hotshot, nonetheless. OUCH!

I’ve often wondered: was the fact that Justin goes to New York in the end a kind of “revenge” for this plot arc? That’s not the right word perhaps, but it had to be there in the back of the writers’ minds. Thus the question is will Justin do what Brian said he’d do if he went to NYC; will Justin not look back? I think Brian doesn’t expect him to. A lot has changed by the end of the show, but I don’t think Brian’s fantasy about New York has changed. I think it remains exactly as it’d been in this episode. He doesn’t see Justin as leaving – he sees Justin as _escaping_. If you’ve escaped a place – or a fate – why would you ever return? I don’t think Brian can imagine anything else. It’s a deeply engrained part of his thinking about life.

Later Lindsay confronts him. She clearly doesn’t him to leave either and plays the trump card. “So, you’re abandoning your son.” Of course, Brian resents the guilt trip, but also says something telling. “Lindsay,” he says. “If I stay here, I’m going to go out of his mind.” Or, translated into normal-people language, “I’m going to fall in love.”

(As an aside: Vic’s monologue at minute 27:20 is one of the most moving scenes in the whole show for me. He’s lamenting having grown old an undesirable. It’s telling in light of Brian’s remark to Lindsay about how he’s never going to grow old.)

I like the scene of Brian and Michael at the movie theater – every time they talk about their youth works for me – probably because Michael is still there, trapped in amber. Brian says as much. Interesting observation: Brian talks about buying himself a ticket and letting him in the side door. Was Brian getting an allowance or was he working?

The last scene of Brian sitting alone is perfect, as is the song that’s playing. I’d quote the lyrics except the credits don’t include the artist’s name.

**ETA:** The song is "Go to the Water" by Jamie Oakes and the lyrics are: So many prisoners/locked to the clock/so many chances to see/what you are and what you are not/go to the water/go on your hands and knees/see what it gives you/are you so hard to please?/Two hundred hours/and next month will be the same/time is a line on your face/time is life slipping away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am more than slow replying to comments - some even go back to July! Many _many_ apologies. I've got 118 as we speak, and replying thoughtfully to comments is a serious time investment - especially the fascinating comments this discussion gets. If you're reading this and I haven't responded to a comment, please know that I'm reading every one and fully intend to get to all of them. It's just taking me longer than I'd expected.


	27. Even if it was Ridiculously Romantic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, the final episode

First off, let’s just imagine for a second that the show was cancelled after the final scene of Brian and Michael sitting in the hospital not knowing if Justin is going to survive the night. Can you imagine?? It would go down as one of the most depressing finales of any show ever. It’s hard to even imagine, and just thinking about it makes me a little queasy. I can’t imagine what it was like being a real-time viewer back then!

Okay, writing about this iconic episode is a bit daunting. Let’s start at the beginning. It’s Brian’s birthday and unsurprisingly, he’s fucking every guy with a heartbeat and two orifices. And unsurprisingly, he is NOT PLEASED to discover the gang has put together a (depressing) surprise party. When they try to sooth him by reminding him he’ll soon be going to New York and starting his life anew, he finally announces that the job fell through. He then throws himself into the open casket and proclaims it doesn’t matter because he’s already dead. Not that he’s a drama queen or anything.

Everybody finds his trauma about turning thirty either amusing or frustrating, and as someone who would _love_ to be thirty again, I feel the same way. But Brian isn’t kidding. He’s truly distressed. Clearly he hadn’t imagined his thirty year-old self still in Pittsburgh and still working at the same agency he’d worked for since graduating from college. Clearly he’d envisioned himself long gone by this point in his life. He’s not only getting older, he’s failing at life. Somehow, somewhere and at some point, he’d chosen the wrong path or missed a fleeting window of opportunity. As we lawyers say, it’s an example of _res ipsa loquitur_ – the thing speaks for itself. The question of whether or not he’s a fuck-up is not up for debate in Brian’s mind – the fact he’s still where he'd been eight years ago is sufficient proof that he is. 

But . . . . . and this is huge. I don’t think he tried to kill himself. The issue of dying “young and beautiful” only arose because Michael brought up the topic of suicide – or at least accidental death caused by an inherently risky activity. You could’ve died! Michael shouts at him. Brian replies that that wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen.

Okay, thoughts. Looking up [Suicidal Ideation](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicidal_ideation), I think what Brian did would fulfill the definition. Actually the bar for what is a suicidal ideation is pretty low. Just thinking about killing yourself in a very hypothetical sense on more than one occasion within a certain period of time qualifies, so does not particularly caring if a risky behavior results in death – like driving recklessly or playing Russian Roulette. Brian didn’t try to hang himself; he was using what’s called “breath control” to heighten the pleasure of an orgasm. Cutting off the oxygen flow to the brain causes a euphoric state so sexually intense that people can actually become addicted to the experience. The practice results in approximately 1,000 deaths every year. I know someone who regularly practices breath control, and he says it’s like mainlining heroin. I have no idea what that’s like, but he does. I can only imagine. Personally, I wouldn’t fuck around with either breath play or heroin, but that’s just me. No judgment.

So I really don’t think Brian was trying to kill himself, but maybe he believed that it wouldn’t matter if he accidentally did. After all, he is obsessed with the whole idea of dying young. Aging absolutely terrifies him. It’s a theme that runs through the whole show in general and the last two episodes of Season One in particular. (God, I shuddered when he mentioned Kurt Cobain – dying by “accident” and blowing your head off with a shotgun because you can’t bear to live another second are two very different things.) 

In the last episode, Brian wants to kill off the part of himself that lives in Pittsburgh. In the beginning of this one he tells Michael he wouldn’t mind dying accidentally and then at the end, he kills off the part of himself that refused to acknowledge he’s in love with Justin. Going to the prom solely to make Justin happy is just as momentous a turning point as going to New York would’ve been. He’s bringing to an end the part of him that’s terrified of his feelings for Justin. He steps _way_ outside of his comfort zone. The expression on his face when he walks into the ballroom says it all. This is perhaps the most risky thing (in his mind at least) that Brian has ever done!

But that new, open, fearless self has a very short life. It dies when Justin almost does, and it never really comes back again – except arguably when Brian tells Justin he loves him. Can you imagine how the show would’ve gone if Justin hadn’t gotten bashed? Brian would be a totally different man. Instead, Justin’s bashing more deeply entrenched his dislike and distrust in the universe. Arguably Justin emerges stronger from the bashing. Brian, in my opinion, emerges weaker.

Chris Hobbs: Am I the only one who thinks he’s in love with Justin? Or at least in lust? Also, I don’t think he came to the prom with the intention to attack Justin. Brian and Justin’s dance triggered the bashing. Which means it _was_ Brian’s fault in his mind. I don’t see how he could see it otherwise. If he hadn’t been there, Justin would’ve been fine. Jennifer’s right, and Brian knows it. I think he lets Justin absolve him for Justin’s sake, but I don’t think Brian will ever stop blaming himself.

Another question: Did Brian and Justin really dance like that? If so, where’d they learn? That dance is not for beginners. Was it a kind of dream sequence? I don’t mean that they didn’t dance at all, but was it imagined to a certain degree? I’m not making sense . . . does anyone know what I’m trying to get at?

One final thing: Brian yells at Michael for interrupting his “very special gift” to himself, saying that Michael always ruins everything. I find that an interesting remark. What else has Michael ruined? What is Brian talking about?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end of Season One. I had a great time – thanks so much, you guys! This has been far more successful than I'd imagined. I’m going to take about a week off before I start with Season Two because I want to get caught up on all the comments for this season and finish “No Place to Go but Crazy.” In the meantime, I wrote you all a story. Most of it comes from the discussion on the last post, and I’m hoping you guys will continue to inspire me with your comments on this one. [What Now, My Love?](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2432120/chapters/5384834)
> 
> Thank you for another lovely gif, Kellankyle. This one is especially perfect.


	28. The "Scarfing" Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season One, episode 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, I know I said I was going to take some time off before posting again, but I've done some serious research on erotic asphyxiation and wanted to share it with you guys - along with my revised thoughts about the "scarfing" scene.

Remember I mentioned in my original post that I have a friend who practices erotic asphyxiation? Well, I contacted him to ask some questions about what Brian did. He told me (and I didn't know this - one learns something new about one's old pals everyday) that he only practices with a partner. He's never done it while masturbating (and thinks it's really dangerous). But he offered to put me in touch with an online friend of his who runs a chat room on Breath Control practices of all kinds (and, boy oh boy, did I learn some CREEPY stuff - some people are absolutely nuts. No judgment, just sayin'). So, I joined the chat room and described the scene as though I was talking about a real person (a friend) instead of a character on a show. I asked them what they thought, and they were HORRIFIED! One even asked if my friend wanted to die and suggested contacting a suicide hotline immediately.

So here's what I learned after chatting with them for a couple hours. There was pretty much a consensus. They are deeply into the practice and have very strong opinions about how to practice safely. They basically think no one should be doing it at all without researching it first.

1.) They were really, actively pissed off that "my friend" drank, smoked pot and did Amyl Nitrite beforehand. Someone calling himself "Plastic Wrap" (because he likes to be completely mummified in plastic wrap except for a tiny straw through a mouth hole) actually used the word "never" in all caps about a dozen times. They were extra upset about the Amyl Nitrite because it chemically produces the effects of breath control - light-headedness and dizziness caused by an intense head rush, which, in and of itself, can make you faint even if only briefly. So in essence, Brian was doing two things at the same time that produce the same effects and can compound each other.

2.) They could not believe that "my friend" was standing on a stool while masturbating. One of them said what he was doing was basically a death wish - or just beyond irresponsible. The goal of breath control is to come as close to passing out as possible without actually passing out, but they said inexperienced people almost always pass out, which isn't a huge problem if you're sitting down, preferable on the floor because you won't accidentally fall and hang yourself. Apparently the recommended way to do it is to use a doorknob. The person sits on the floor with their back to the door and drapes the rope, ligature, belt, etc. over the door knob, The other end is the noose that they put around their neck. The point is that if you pass out, your hand (the hand holding the opposite end of the rope) will drop and the tension will automatically be realized. It's almost fool-proof (almost!) If you're standing up, you'll fall, especially if you're standing on something. It makes it much more likely that a person will panic because they don't want to fall and to keep themselves from falling, they pull on the rope, tightening the noose.

3.) Never ever ever ever ever tie the end of the rope (the one without the noose) to something. In the state you reach during breath play, you simply wouldn't be able to untie it in time. They were surprised "my friend" didn't hang himself; they even doubted that "my friend" was telling me the truth about his experience. They told me they think he's full of shit. But mostly they were pissed off because stuff like that gives breath control a bad name.

Btw, I was told emphatically that no one should ever be drunk or high when using bondage of any kind and at any time either on themselves or others. That's my Public Service Announcement.

So, how does this change my mind about the scarfing scene? Either Brian was a totally idiotic newbie who not only didn't know anything about breath play but also wasn't smart enough to figure that when you pass out, you fall - or he simply didn't care if he died.

I still don't think Brian was actively suicidal, but the risk he took was _likely_ to result in death (instead of just _maybe_ result in death). Given how panicked Michael was and how much he had to struggle to untie the noose, I think Brian would've died but for Michael's intervention. Not that Brian actually knew that; he just thinks Michael merely ruined his orgasm, hence his anger. But in reality, he was damn lucky Michael showed up.

Plus, from CowLip's perspective, it makes sense that Brian almost died. It's kind of a Public Service Announcement. "Boys and girls - do not try this at home because you'll kill yourselves like Brian almost did." More than a thousand people die from auto-erotic asphyxiation every year. It's not something CowLip would want to glamorize. If Brian really did have an amazing orgasm one might be tempted to try it themselves.

This scene depicted a sexual practice on the verge of going very _very_ wrong. No wonder Michael was so pissed off!


	29. New Season, New Entry?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Question for all & sundry.

Hi everyone,

I'm going to start posting on season two soon. I'm wondering whether I should keep the chapters going here or start a new page? Any thoughts?

I'm slowly but surely making my way through comments and looking forward to more.


	30. Annoucement!

Hello everyone,

I decided it would be easiest to turn the whole discussion into a series and create separate parts for each season. There is a link to the Second Season at the bottom of this page. Feel free to keep posting comments on this season because I'll still be getting them, and other people will still be reading them. The easiest way to follow the discussion is to subscribe to my whole page or to bookmark the series. You'll get emails about updates.

I just posted the first chapter for Season Two.

~Fray


End file.
